Things I don't Understand

Dear Internet,

I haven’t been neglecting you, I haven’t found a younger/hotter form of entertainment, and I promise I never stopped thinking about you. I can honestly say it’s not you, it’s me. I have a problem I don’t fully understand, and it’s one of the few problems left in this world that we don’t have a pill for. You see, I have writer’s block. It’s one of those things that I’ve heard about, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I swear all I wanted to do was talk to you about it. I can’t tell you how many times I started to write you, but nothing I put on paper came out the way I wanted. I can’t get over it, I can’t get around it, and I haven’t been able to plow through it.  All that is left is to try again to lift it, and walk right out from underneath it. I’ve been playing Sisyphus my whole life, I see no reason why I can’t climb the mountain one more time.

Literal “story” of my life. Source.

When a baseball player is trying to break a slump, the best thing that they can do is get back to the fundamentals of hitting. Well the fundamental idea behind this blog was that I would write it on whatever I was feeling the most passionate about during that given week. This week I’m passionate about my own confusion. What I mean is that I’ve been fixated on a few things, (like my writer’s block) that I really don’t understand. I’m going to dissect these issues here, and maybe I’ll come across some comprehension.

I believe that Adam Sandler is a comedic genius. He’s made four movies I could watch any time and never get sick of: Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and The Waterboy. Not to mention his Symphony #9, Billy Madison, which I’ve watched at least 100 times (my oldest friends will remember my AIM screen name was shamp00isb3tta). Those are just the movies that I won’t listen to any arguments against. If you don’t like those five movies, you have bad taste. Fine, I’ll back down from that claim, but you probably don’t have the kind of personality that I like to associate myself with. On top of his hit list, I also enjoyed these fine films: Air Heads, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, The Longest Yard, and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Throw in his time on SNL and you have a comedic career that stacks up with the best of them. So why is this happening?

Seriously man… Source.

My initial reaction to the commercial for this atrocity was disappointment. After swallowing my disgust, I decided to give it a chance. After all, I had a similar gut instinct about Grown-Ups, and that turned out to be a pretty funny movie. But then I remembered that every time one of my favorite comedians has put on a dress, it has been a disaster. He can’t need the money. If he did, he’d stop dumping cash into David Spade, Rob Schneider, and most recently Nick Swardson’s ill thought out projects. It’s not even like it was the only idea he had for this year; he put out Just Go with It in February. (By the way, one of the funniest movies of this year, and further proof that Jen Aniston is still a smoking hottie!) I don’t understand why this movie got made, unless the rest of his posse just needed another paycheck.

Any of these guys look familiar? Seriously… They’re in almost every one of his movies. Source.

The other confusing image burned into my brain, aside from Sandler in a dress, was something I saw in the locker room at the gym. Don’t worry it’s not what you’re thinking… it was on a half naked dude. Oh, that was what you were thinking? Well then let me clarify, it was on the top half. From the front, this man looked like an extra from a movie about office drones. The guy was so nondescript, so average looking, that he’d make Tony Romo stand out in a crowd.

My sister says if he looked any more plain, he wouldn’t exist. Source.

But then he turned around, and his befuddling upper back came into view. In between his shoulder blades was a tattoo of a five inch by three inch rectangle. Inscribed within said rectangle were these words: “I AM YOUR GOD”. Now that image would be jarring enough on its own; but not six inches from the most audacious claim put to ink in the history of man, was the image of one Woody Woodpecker. (In  Technicolor!) I’m not saying I don’t understand tattoos. I don’t have any myself because I’ve never thought of anything that was important enough to me to have it permanently etched onto my body; but I have friends that have them and I get it. The point is I’m not here to question his getting a tattoo; I’m here to question getting THESE tattoos. Look, I can even see getting one or the other… but both? I can’t think of a personality type that is best described by an aggressively sacrilegious statement, coupled with a wacky cartoon bird.

One of these things is not like the other. Source.

I don’t understand why bars are fun. Every bar I’ve ever been dragged to has been packed with people who appear to be enjoying themselves, but the attraction completely eludes me. I’ve even tried to break the experience down into its base elements, but that just confuses me more. The main things that bars seem to have going for them are an excess of beautiful women, alcohol, music, and dancing. If I want to drink I can do that for a much lower cost (and in more comfortable clothing) at home, or at least at a house party. If I want to listen to music it sure as hell won’t be club beats. And if I want to dance, I’ve probably just scored a touchdown. The only piece of the puzzle left is the surplus of beautiful women. Unfortunately, I also don’t understand how you’re supposed to interact with girls at a bar. It’s never like the movies, when a gorgeous girl is sitting at the bar alone waiting for the first brave soul to try to woo her. Girls are always in packs of at least three. Even if I’m at a bar with two friends, it’s highly unlikely we’ll agree on who gets to talk to which girl; it’s even less likely that one of us will have an opening line worth shit. If by some miracle I get a girls attention at a bar, it’s always way too loud to talk to her. Since I’m much funnier than I am pretty… this tends to be where I get stuck.

What? Do I just yell YOU’RE PRETTY!!! Until she makes out with me? How do you people do this? Source.

I don’t understand why the most important part of the human experience is also the most fragile. Our relationships with other people are what separates us from the rest of the animals on this planet. Don’t you adorable chain mail forwarders dare jump in and tell me about all the animals in this Cracked Article… Let’s be honest here, those animals are the exception, not the rule. In the animal kingdom, if I was your rival and you could kill me, 99.9% of the time you’re gonna kill me. Empathy, compassion, love, the softer emotions are what make us human. They’re the reason the preceding sentences would cause the Humane society to sponsor a boycott of my blog, if my blog was important enough to boycott. They’re how we connect with each other. So why are those connections so damn breakable? I’ve lost friends over distance, IN THE INFORMATION AGE! When I can literally send an INSTANT message to someone, I’ve lost friends because we didn’t share the same geographical space for too long. People who had a profound impact on me during my formative years are now completely absent from my life. People who I counted as my closest friends for a quarter of my life or longer have no idea who I am today.

The most interesting relationships, (and most fragile) are the ones that I understand the least: the connections with women my age. I’m not trying to be rude or condescending, I’m making the honest statement that I don’t know what motivates them, (You? If you’re a woman my age reading this throw me a bone maybe?) and I can’t put myself in their shoes. I believe the reason that I’ve had so much trouble understanding how girls my age act, is that early 20 something women are actually under-represented in Hollywood. Most female characters in movies and TV shows are teenage girls or women in their 30’s. But there is a HUGE difference between a kid fresh out of college, and someone who is ready to start a family. TV and movies have taught me is that if a guy wants to commit to a girl, her girlfriends are most likely planning a parade in honor of her victory. But that’s just not where most women my age are. They still want to play the field, a game that up until recently I had no idea women willingly participated in. Pop culture taught me that every girl in the world wants something serious, but this past month I watched three seemingly rock solid relationships fall apart, all because the guy wanted a stronger commitment from the girl. Olivia Munn recently talked with Craig Ferguson about this very phenomenon.

Skip to the 6:55 min mark to hear her agree with me, or watch the whole thing because she’s awesome. Source.

My biggest comfort is that I’m not the only one who is lost. I’ve had conversations with my friends about how to fix the economy that I felt we made more progress during than the times we’ve tried to figure out women. I’m assuming that eventually I’ll work it out, men and women have been getting together for awhile now I hear. But I wonder if the breakthrough will come because I’ve figured out girls my age, or because we’ll both change as we grow older until our differences soften.

One day Scarlett, one day… Source.

By the way, this was by no means an exhaustive list of the things I don’t understand. Heres just a few more topics that I’ve been bouncing around in my head:

Why do people drink Scotch?

Why do people hate Tim Tebow?

Why are there so damn many spiders in Florida?

How do you get a job as a sports announcer?

What is cool about tinted windows on cars?

Is there a good way to ask if a passive aggressive status or tweet is about you?

Why won’t the Dolphin’s let Steve Slaton carry the ball?

Why have I had such a horrendous year in fantasy sports?

Why can’t I stop eating peanut butter?

Why didn’t I know how awesome hockey was until last year?

Why won’t my car stop dying?

And most frustratingly, why can’t WVU do anything right on special teams????

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week you’ll never look at Mario vs. Bowser the same again.

Addicting game of the Week have you figured out that I like puzzle games yet?

Text From Last Night of the Week one of my lady friends needs to sign up to do this with me now! I want my plan for next year made today.

Song of the Week I thought this was appropriate. What do you guys think? Did I “get through this” slump?

Random Fact of the Week I’m a baseball nut and I didn’t know this.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week one of the many reasons I love the Cap.