Together we started a band, learned how to talk to
girls, and worked at our first job. We’ve always laughed together, and
we’ve been there for each other when it was appropriate to cry. We’ve
shared hundreds of beers, our many thoughts about God, and even a couple
girlfriends. We’ve talked about getting a bachelor pad in LA so that we
can share our roaring 20’s. Most importantly, back in freshman year of
high school Josh saved my life. Allow me to recount the heroic tale:
It was about 7:00 one Monday morning in the spring
of our freshman year. I was sitting in front of my locker in the math
hall, waiting for the homeroom bell to ring, when who should approach
but Josh Lucas. He sat down next to me and said “Look Joe, you’re not
sitting on your ass this spring, you’re playing lacrosse with me.” Now
at that time I couldn’t even spell lacrosse, much less play the game, so
I politely declined his invitation saying, “No, I’m not.” Then Josh
reached back and punched me like, really, really, hard in the arm and
said, “Yes, you are.” After such a well-rounded counter argument I had
no choice but to relent from my original position, and joined him that
afternoon for freshman lacrosse tryouts.
If you’re having trouble understanding how that
destiny-filled punch saved my life, I’ll provide some context now. I was
always a bigger kid growing up, but by 2003 I was clearly at a
crossroads. As a 15 year old kid who measured 5’0” 220lbs I had two
possible futures. It would have been easy to stay on the beaten path and
continue eating everything in sight, thus damning myself to a lifetime
of Wal-Mart sweat pants and turning sideways to get through standard
doorways. But thanks to Josh’s violent urging, I decided to take the
other path and made a drastic lifestyle change. That lacrosse season I
lost 40lbs, and today I still weigh less than I did that morning. If it
wasn’t for Josh I could easily have diabetes, severely clogged arteries,
or very likely both by now.
I can never repay Josh for what he did that
morning; the weight loss was the most obvious benefit I gained from
lacrosse, but it was far from the only one. My time on the field also
helped me fit in better with my classmates, it drilled a well of
self-confidence in my soul that I still draw from today, and most
importantly it gave me an excuse to grow this extraordinary flow:
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| Swag |
It’s
for all the things I’ve said, and a million unlisted happy memories
that today is so difficult. Today I say goodbye to one of the best
friends I’ll ever have. Today, I respond to this tweet:
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| Maybe if he gains a follower or two from this it will soften the blow... |
I saw battleship Josh.
And… I LIKED it.
I
know that paying to see this film in a theater is a mortal sin in your
eyes, but please hear me out before we go our separate ways. There are
four main reasons why I enjoyed this move:
1.All kinds of things explode
2.Brooklyn
3.Cranky Liam Neeson
4.Decker
If you look closely that list is both numbered and in alphabetical order, so do not even attempt to argue with it.
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| Her initials are B.D. and her “B”s are “D”s… coincidence? Yes, and a very happy one at that. Source. |
Seriously though, this movie crushes all the major
aspects of the perfect summer blockbuster. I understand why Taylor
Kitsch keeps getting the keys to all these mega-budget movies, he’s
good. He plays Alex Hopper, the kind of lovable scoundrel that made
Harrison Ford our hero when we were growing up, and he nails it.
The exposition features the funniest chicken
burrito heist ever captured on film, all the while making an excellent
example of the trials a man will put himself through to earn the favor
of a beautiful woman. No one is going to confuse Ms. Decker with an
Oscar nominee any time soon, but she is perfectly capable in her role as
inspirational eye candy. The most pleasant surprise from a performer
came from Rihanna. She is completely believable as tom-boy Cora Raikes,
crew mate and weapons specialist on the USS John Paul Jones.
While we’re at it, let’s talk about the
believability of those weapons. People who don’t know any better like to
complain that Michael Bay has too many unrealistic explosions in his
films, those people don’t like fun, and in this movie they’re also flat
out wrong. I know the explosions were realistic because I was sitting
next to a retired Navy weapons officer when I was watching everything go
boom. My dad, a sailor who spent 20 years employed and deployed by
Uncle Sam, assured me that our bombs are legitimately that big. In fact,
the whole movie is much closer to reality than you’d expect.
Anti-missile machine guns? Real. Ships refusing to sink despite gigantic
holes in them? Designed specifically for that issue. UFO inspection
party made up of an officer, an engineer, and a crew mate? Where do you
think Star Trek got that magic formula? It all checks out!
On top of all the cool navy stuff that happens, we
also get to enjoy the following fun things: The aforementioned
thoroughly cranky Liam Neeson, angry aliens, an awkward/skittish
scientist, and Josh I swear on my name there is even a truly
entertaining soccer scene!
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| I’m not saying the movie deserves an Oscar for making this interesting, all I’m saying is that people have won the Nobel Prize for less impressive feats. Source. |
It’s not a perfect movie: it slows down for about
25 minutes in the middle while we are still trying to figure out the
alien’s motives, there are some incredibly predictable action movie
beats that Bay refuses to skip, and there is at least one frustrating
plot hole that remains unanswered at the end. But I think if you were
really honest with yourself, you would admit that had this movie been
named anything other than Battleship and marketed without the board game
tie-in, we absolutely would have seen it together.
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| If that poster said “Aliens and Boats” we would have been sitting next to each other at midnight the day it came out. Source. |
So I beg you, don’t throw away everything we’ve built. Swallow your pride and give Battleship, and our friendship, a chance.
Love me. Miss me. Taylor Kitsch me.
Machak’s Six Mix:
Cracked Article of the Week this one starts off by talking about maxi pads, interested yet?
Addicting game of the Week the MLB All-Star Game.
Yeah I know there isn’t a link there, but that’s the only game I care
about until the second half of the season starts back up on Friday. My
blog, my rules.
Text From Last Night of the Week this genius just explained how blackouts happen.
Song of the Week if you don’t know about AWOLNATION yet, fix that.
Song of the Summer until someone dethrones her or we hit labor day, Miss Carly Rae reigns supreme.
Random Fact of the Week look to the right of your screen and read the description in the “Design” section.
Surprise Awesomeness of the Week you guys, either jet packs are real, or Battleship was actually a documentary…
