Tough Questions

Earlier this year Bill Simmons wrote my favorite column in a long time. He asked why sports fans don’t talk about PEDs more. How we can pretend they aren’t a problem anymore, despite all the bulging evidence to the contrary. How its possible that we can ignore the warning signs in this modern sports culture. I think there is a simple answer, and its also the answer to a broader question that I’ve been asking myself recently. Why don’t we have more real conversations? 

As a culture we don’t talk about politics, religion, or our true feelings. Actually, it’s worse than just not talking about them; we go out of our way to avoid and replace them. Last month I wrote about a very real conversation that millions of people are actively not having right now. We argue about who is lying in their campaign promises, instead of which ones we’re actually hoping they’ll fulfill. The closest thing that we have in this country to an open dialogue about religion, is the fact that we’ve all agreed its ok to make fun of Scientology. We’ll talk about whom famous people might be screwing, but not ourselves. TMZ has built an empire on this voyeuristic and vicarious relationship that with have with celebrity’s visceral experiences. 

We may not respect his choice of deity, but we damn sure like his taste in women. Source.

In a lot of ways, who you vote for, who you pray to, and who you want to sleep with are the only three questions that matter. The answers to these questions inform who you are at your core. So why don’t we talk about them?

Fear.

That’s the bottom line. We’re terrified of the answers to these questions. When it comes to Simmons' questions specifically, there are lots of different reasons why we want to keep our heads in the sand. Maybe you don't want to know if the hometown hero that’s leading the first winning team in a generation is a dirtbag, or maybe you don't want to explain to your kids why their favorite player is having this press conference. I think one thing that we have in common is the desire to believe in the impossible. We want to say that we were alive when the greatest athletes of all time were competing, that we saw the best hitter in history. We want to believe that a man in his forties can compete with rookies. We want our athletes to be invincible, and we don't care if they're getting a boost until someone forces us to know.

This fear of what we might find out is why we don't ask our friends the real questions. We know them in a certain context, and we’re afraid to break that image. We worry that learning our drinking buddy votes for a blood red ticket, or sometimes pictures us naked, will change the way we look at them. We're scared that it isn’t possible to have a rational discussion about any of these real issues, and something will be said that can’t be unheard. The problem is, that's a totally rational fear. It’s not like asking for some constructive criticism on your book report; it’s a much more delicate scenario. We don't want to know if our friends are pro-choice, or against the death penalty, or only like Ke$ha ironically. We feel that we are defined by these preferences, and have been conditioned to believe that people with opposing viewpoints must react like oil and water.

Zero irony. Seriously. You may not be able to hear my tone here, but trust me... this is honest, glitter coated love. Source.

But fear is responsible for so much more than silence among peers. Fear is what keeps us up at night, it leads to passive aggressive tweets, and really bad poetry. It’s the reason kids graduating from college dread sending out resumes, or why grown-ups who already have jobs don’t ask for a raise. It’s what keeps parents from having “The Talk” with their kids. It’s why you don’t look up how many calories are in pizza. Deep down we believe that Jack was right when he screamed, “You can’t handle the truth!”

The most horrifying "truth" that we avoid is rejection. I’ve been absolutely paralyzed by fears I’ve had about my career, my social circle, or the people who mean a little bit more. Nothing could be worse than hearing the words “you aren’t good enough”, “you aren’t worth it”, or “I don’t love you”.

Aside from spiders... nothing is worse than spiders. Source.

We always fear the unknown, that's why fear is the ultimate argument for keeping the status quo. It is the bedrock upon which an army of clichés have been built; most famously, “Ignorance is bliss”. This phenomenon of such willful ignorance in the information age is what Simmons was talking about. We all have to face the future eventually, but we don't like being reminded of that. We love seeing athletes fight off Father Time, because our fear of death is one of the strongest that we'll deal with in our lives.

FDR put into words just how dangerous this emotion can be with his famous declaration, "The only thing we have to fear, is fear itself." We lose control over our lives when our fears start to make decisions for us. Fear allows bullies and tyrants to rise. It keeps us from traveling, from trying new foods, or talking to the prettiest girl in the room. It's the reason we have to ask "what if?", instead of knowing what "it" is. Fear can keep us from living a full life, the life we deserve.

This is the part where the optimist in me wants to write a couple of inspiring, Jeff Winger-esque paragraphs, about how it's time that we all faced our fears. I'd tell you that if we tackle these issues with the love and support of those around us, we can work through anything. But that would be disingenuous. The truth is that we will all struggle with this crippling emotion across many different arenas, and to varying degrees. The human desire to conquer fear has been the subject of movies, albums, novels, and epic poems. Unfortunately, no matter how loudly you're blaring "Eye of the Tiger" in your headphones, when it comes down to it we all have to face our demons alone. Other people can inspire you, but no one can make you be brave. 

You're the only one who can decide that you want to take everything that you're entitled to from our short time on this planet.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is here to make you feel warm and fuzzy again, despite my prickly prose.

Meme of the Week is because I finally saw Crazy Stupid Love.

Text From Last Night of the Week is the definition of true friendship.

Song of the Week is because I got comp’ed tickets to the P!nk concert last week, and she blew me away.

Random Fact of the Week is somehow strangely disappointing.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week is my best friend of 20 years joining the internet. Check out his “Two Truths and a Lie” series, and see if you can guess which one didn’t happen.

Eternal Optimist

So it's Valentine’s Day. 

You're either enjoying this night with someone you love, or you're on the internet. Since I'm on the internet team for the (redacted) straight year, I may as well try to be productive. Today, I aim to inspire. I'm writing the advice column that no one ever sent me. I'm writing for the saddest group of people at home today: the kids with an unspoken crush. Fine, second saddest. The recently widowed are probably worse off tonight.

Unless they just met Chaz. Source.

As an eternal optimist, the lost cause is very important to me. This particular lost cause is especially close to my heart. I've lived every version of the "best friend" archetype that Hollywood has put on film. As a veteran of the both the unrequited love and undying longing games, I'm well qualified to pass some sound advice on to the next generation. As the song goes, I wish that I knew what I know now, when I was younger. The following is the first letter from Joey to the “nice guys”:

So losers, let's talk about why you're alone tonight. Let's talk about the girl.

You know which girl.

When you walk into a room she’s the first person you see. It seems like lights shine a little bit brighter around her, or does she just glow? Somehow she's in sharper focus. She makes you want to succeed, and feel like you can. She can make you laugh or cry with barely a glance. She’s a collection of contradictions. You're terrified to be around her, and starving for her when she's not near. She makes you feel witty, all while dumbfounding you. When she smiles your stomach knots up with nerves, but you also become weightless.

The two minutes it takes her to return your texts last longer than the dinosaurs roamed the Earth. You ignore your other friends. You lose sleep over her at night and day dream about her in class. This girl has unwittingly built a summer home in your subconscious. She's the most powerful person in your life. She can make you cross state lines, forget to eat dinner, and write terrible poetry. She makes you question who you really are at your very core.

She doesn't have to be classically gorgeous. You may even fight with your friends over whether or not she's pretty. This isn't an archetype thing; it's not always the prom queen. She can be Mary Jane or Lois Lane. A tom-boy or a valley-girl. It's different for everyone, and that's the point. She is the specific combination of parts that make up the person you didn't dare to dream existed. 

Now that you know who I'm talking about, I'm going to tell you what to do.

Tell her.

Tell her that she's all you think about. Tell her how much you care. Tell her you'd treat her like royalty. Tell her you're the best man for her, and you know with every fiber of your being that she's the best woman for you. Tell her you'd be incredible together. Tell her about the moment that you figured all of this out. Then tell her about all of the moments since then that have proven your theory. Tell her it’s the weirdest thing that you can't stop talking, even though you're positive you stopped breathing ten minutes ago. Tell her you've never been more certain of anything in your life.

Just tell her.

I do feel that at this point that I should warn you, it won’t work. The impassioned speech is the biggest lie Hollywood has sold us. A more fabulous fib than Clint Eastwood's accuracy, Sly Stallone's muscles, and the future having flying cars. People just don't talk that way. It doesn't matter how many times you practice your monologue in front of the mirror or in your car. When you finally find the cajones to say it to her face, you're going to skip some stuff. Your voice will falter. You'll realize halfway through that you sound like an unstoppable serial killer/stalker hybrid that was born specifically to scare this shit out of this girl.

WHY DON'T YOU LOVE ME??? Source.

And even if you nailed it, she still isn't going to say what you want to hear. The reasons may be different: she's moving, she already has a boyfriend, she's only attracted to Asians... doesn't matter. The point is, for all of their terrifyingly squishy parts, women aren't really all that different from men. If she wanted to be with you as much as you wanted to be with her, the two of you would already be together. 

So why am I advising Seppuku? Kamikazi? A third Far-East term for suicide mission? I have three reasons. First: have you ever made a bad decision on purpose? I mean really sought out doing something you knew would be a negative. I'm not talking about using crystal meth or anything, just a little decision that you knew was the wrong one. Maybe you stayed up until 3AM on a school night, had a midnight snack at Mickey D’s, or Facebook creeped on an old flame. Most of the time these actions would only give you a headache, stomachache, and heartache respectively; but sometimes they can be empowering. Taking yourself in a negative direction can be the ultimate proof of free will. "Look how badly I can screw myself" may not be a battle cry to aspire to, but at least it proves you can still shout.

Ok, so you’re too smart for self-destruction on that scale? Fine. Let’s talk about honesty. If this girl thinks you’re just her BFF, then you’re lying to her. And more damagingly, you’re lying to yourself. Pretending you’re happy when you aren’t, and bottling excess emotions up isn’t healthy for you. Aside from the many terrible side-effects of stress, you’re screwing up your expectations for future relationships. Whether it’s in the form of learned helplessness, or deep seated anger and resentment; the built up emotions will sabotage you for years.

This is what you're doing to yourself. Plus, you made me explain my joke. You suck. Source.

So let’s say you’ve considered my previous points and you’re willing to deal with those consequences of hiding your true feelings. It’s cool, I’ve got an ace in the hole. The question, “What if?” The same two words that brought us the atomic bomb, are the ones that will burrow into your brain and attach themselves to her memory. Every day you see her face it will be your first thought. Long after you’ve graduated it will still be there in the back of your mind, taunting you with the thoughts of what might have been. That sadistic, masochistic, circuitous mind game is what makes “What if?” the most destructive phrase in the English language.

Also, I lied. I have one more reason for you to tell her. It’s the same reason teams throw up Hail Marys, half-court shots, or pull the goalie. It’s the thing that sustains us in our darkest hours. It’s the most important word to the eternal optimist. It’s four powerful letters that allow us to believe that everything will turn out ok.

Hope.

Machak's Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week start living this way today.

Meme of the Week is T-PAIN!!!

Text From Last Night of the Week is all about commitment to the joke.

The Song You Have Been Singing All Week is timely, because Community just came back.

The Song You Should Be Singing After Reading This “Never let your fear decide your fate”.

Random Fact of the Week try to look at a pretzel the same way.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week Get ready to have your mind blown. Buffy eats at BK.

10 for '13

Welp… it’s January 27th and I’m just posting my New Year’s resolutions blog. Guess we’ll have to try for “stop procrastinating” in 2014 huh?

Part of what was slowing me down is that 2012 was a very good year for me, and I’m having trouble letting it go. Actually that’s a pretty huge understatement, 2012 was the best year of my life and I’m in a great place right now.

All that being said I want to keep moving forward, and I’m not yet where I want to be. So what follows here are my 10 resolutions for 2013. They are broken down into three categories: Steps Toward True Adulthood, Creative Endeavors, and Dental Floss. 

Steps Toward True Adulthood

Try to guess which stage on this chart my chest is as hairy as. Source.

1. Lose the weight: Over the past several years I have been dangerously close to having both a jaw line and self-esteem, (two things I have not possessed since the mid-aughts) three times. Unfortunately, as soon as I begin nearing my weight loss goals, I rest on my laurels and balloon right back up to unpleasantly plump. So my next resolution is to….

2. Keep it off: This one is pretty self-explanatory. When I get to the top of the mountain this time, I want to make camp. As opposed to immediately rolling back down to Chubbytown.

3. Get into a grown-up apt: Since my Mom and Dad retired and moved to Florida, I have been living in my best friend’s parent’s basement. They have absolutely been life-savers. This situation has allowed me to save up money, not have to pursue a third job, and eat much better food than I could afford on my own. However, I am really, really, really, ready to be a real person. After having lived in my own apartment during college, it is extremely difficult to live in someone else’s space. I could list a million little reasons why it’s hard to live in another person’s house, but there is really one main luxury of having my own spot that I truly miss. I can’t wait to be able to walk in the front door and immediately take off my pants again.

This is where you belong pants. Source.

Oh, also I live an hour from where I work, and that just blows. Which leads me to my next resolution…

4. Get a better job: I really love working at Discovery. They pay me better than anyone ever has, to do a job that I don’t hate. That being said, it’s not the job that I want. Right now I’m in a support role in television, and I really want to get to the creative side. If I can find a job as an editor within the company, that would be ideal. But if not, I’m ready to move on to my next adventure. And speaking of adventures… (No lie, I feel like I’m killing it with these segues today!)

5. Date more: I actually tied my personal record for BDPA, (Broads Dated Per Anum) last year. BUT, that number is too embarrassingly low to print. I’ve got friends that are getting married this year, and there’s probably only one girl in my past that I can legitimately claim to have had a meaningful relationship with. All of my other experiences have been fleeting flings. Bottom line, I’ve gotta pick up the pace. Speaking of pace…

Creative Endeavors

In this picture I’m acting like I’m writing, while listening to music! And you’ll understand how perfect this is after you read the next four resolutions…

6. Write more: I spend a ton of my free time reading other blogs. I have been regarding this as research, the writer’s equivalent of hitting the film room before the big game. But now I’m attempting to change philosophies, and go with the “practice makes perfect” method instead. I’d love to get to a point where writing could sustain my lifestyle. The only way that’s going to happen is if I start pumping out enough material to build a real following. Or decide to change my lifestyle to “homeless”… and “foodless”.

7. Post more: You would think this goes hand in hand with #6 up there, but if so you are clearly underestimating my psychosis. I never actually stopped writing for this blog. I have at least three different folders of half-finished posts; one on a work computer at my old office, one on my laptop, and all of my drafts in Gmail. I went through a two week stretch where I wrote a complete post every day, slept on it, woke up and hated every word I had written. The level of quality that I believe I have achieved with each of my published posts is something I am fiercely devoted to. This blog is on a very short list of things that I can honestly say I created entirely on my own. That fact makes it very important to me, but also terrifying. There is no safety net here, no teammate to share the burden of failure. While at the end of the day I may be writing this mostly for myself, the opinions of the handful of people that I know have read everything on this site are something that I care deeply about. I want to learn to trust my talent and judgment enough that my post rate increases.

8. Record an EP: One of my other passions is music. I only have two tried and true methods for relieving stress: hitting baseballs, and singing until I am hoarse.

AND DANCING MY FACE OFF

I need to listen to it to drive, to run, to write, or just to relax. This deep connection led me to try making my own music, so I have been in an ever-evolving garage band for the better part of a decade. The many hours spent rehearsing and writing alongside the rotating cast of characters I have played with over the years has resulted in: two live performances, a handful of non-mastered songs, and one completely psychotic music video. My current band mates are both talented and dedicated. My modest goal is to record five original songs this year so that we can finally have a physical album to say we made.

9. Get paid to act: If money wasn’t a problem, like if I was born a bratty trust fund kid, I would be an actor. It’s the thing I feel I am most talented at, and I have never felt more fulfilled than at the end of a show when I’m taking part in the company bow. I’m a California kid at heart, and one day I hope to live on the beach. Plus, I hear LA traffic isn’t as bad as DC’s! I’m actually kind of making progress on this one already this year. I’m not going to get paid for it, but I just got cast in a web-based miniseries that will be a futuristic retelling of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Don’t worry, when we start shooting you’ll hear all about it I promise.

Dental Floss

Disclaimer: this is not an accurate depiction of how to floss, in case you’ve forgotten how it’s done. Source.

10. Floss more: Bet you thought I was kidding. But seriously guys… we should all be flossing more often. Literally nothing can get in the way of this. It takes like three minutes, and it costs like a nickel. So even if I accomplish nothing else this year, I’m leaving it with incredible teeth.

Here’s to 2013.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is sound advice from Mr. Robert Brockway

Meme of the Week is actually terrifying, but still chuckle-worthy.

Text From Last Night of the Week is from a finalist for Mom of the Year.

Song of the Week is the musical baby that was born when Calvin and Florence hooked up. And the music 

video is that baby’s nightmare.

Random Fact of the Week does not make sense.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week I’m sure you’ve already heard by now, but this is big news.