The Gym

I’ve had an on again off again relationship with the gym since I was 15. That’s when Josh Lucas saved my life by convincing me to play on the freshman lacrosse team with him. That spring I lost thirty pounds and turned from a pumpkin back into a real boy, like the love child of Cinderella and Pinocchio. Since then I’ve gone through periods of extreme discipline where I worked out twice a day and kept a 1200 calorie diet; and binges where I ate fast food for a week straight, and the only sport I played was Madden. After bellying up to within fifteen pounds of my heaviest ever, I’ve spent the last month on an exercise kick. Since my return to pumping iron, I have rediscovered all the things that I love about the gym, and the things that I hate.

Not nearly as many calories burned as the hours wasted. Source.

THINGS I LOVE

I love how going to the gym makes me feel. Working out always gives me an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. If you go in with a workout plan, you are constantly meeting goals; from improving specific muscle groups, down to individual sets and reps. The more consistently I work out the better it gets, because eventually I meet weight and clothing size goals as well. And I know I’m not the only one who enjoys the after burn of a great workout. I don’t know if it’s because of a psychological link that gets created between muscle fatigue and success, or if it’s just human nature; but I’m always happy when I’m sore. The gym gives you a place where you can “hurt so good” and stay clothed. That thought leads us to the biggest perk of all, endorphins. For those of you who skipped biology, endorphins are the chemicals that get released into your brain to distract you when you’re in pain or eating spicy food; or to reward you for having sex. I’ve never left the gym thinking “Why did I work out? Now I’m stuck with all these damn endorphins for the next few hours….”

The cobra stretch confuses sex and working out almost as badly as endorphins. Source.

I love how going to the gym makes me look. The number one reason why people work out is to lose weight. Whether they’re obese and trying to make a lifestyle change, or just want to drop ten pounds before beach season; the average consumer will spend about $500 on gym memberships this year. Don’t expect me to condemn that expense, I contribute to that statistic. Like it or not, in our society it’s not just what’s on the inside that counts. It’s been my experience that even if you have an amazing personality, if you’ve wrapped that personality in bacon… you’re sleeping alone. When I’m working out consistently, my shirts are looser in the middle and tighter in the arms. In fact, even in the places I’m still stubbornly flabby; I think the fat hangs better. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only dropped five pounds, my self-image gets much sexier, and that makes both my self-esteem and self-confidence sky rocket.

Personality is literally the only thing that people won’t accept when its bacon wrapped. Source.

I love the escape I get when I’m working out. For an hour every day you can let your mind go completely blank, and focus solely on whatever exercises you want to do; unless you’re a complete psychopath and make yourself watch the news while you’re on the treadmill. One of the best parts of my escape is that I get to really listen to music. I usually have something on in the background all day, but I don’t get to lose myself in the music. Obviously because that would be detrimental to whatever tasks I’m trying to accomplish. However, at the gym that distraction can help me run further than I would normally be able to. Without music, all I would have to focus on is the tremendous pain in my legs and abdomen that running inspires.

THINGS I HATE

I hate working on abs. Every abdominal exercise I know puts stress on either you neck, back, or ass. That wouldn’t be such a big problem, except everyone gets so awkward whenever I try to start a massage train on the mats. Also, there’s no attractive way to work on your abs. I mean if you have a twelve pack, or however many abs the sexy people have nowadays, I’m sure you look good planking… but I don’t. They’re the most frustrating muscle group to work on because until you’re in great shape you won’t be able to see any improvement, even if you are making progress.

I hate how fast your body builds up a tolerance to exercise. It only takes about a month for your body to get used to an exercise routine, and when that happens, you start to see diminished results. That’s waaaaay faster than even your tolerance for alcohol can be raised. The pseudoscientific strategy that programs like P90X use to combat this is called “muscle confusion”. It’s less of a big secret, and more of an extremely detailed and varied exercise plan. But P90X is incredibly difficult, which is why I write blog posts on the internet, instead of modeling my abs. The best way I’ve found to keep my muscles good and disoriented, is to mix in swimming and basketball with more traditional workouts like lifting and good old fashioned running.

Damn you Tony Horton. Source.

Finally, I hate all the other people at the gym. They’re the only thing that can drag me back from my aforementioned escape. Most often this is the 1000 year old woman pretending to use the back extension machine, or the frat guys benching all damn day, or the forty freaking kids in the pool wiping out five lap lanes. But I especially hate whoever it is at the gym that makes the equipment decisions. Listen, I get that the 100lb dumbbell looks really cool, but who in the hell uses it? Maybe we take the money for all the weights in the set over 75lbs and reinvest it in the 20lb-45lb range. I want to live in a world where I don’t have to pretend to do squats while I wait on the thirty pound dumbbells; which are ALWAYS FREAKING GONE WHEN IM JUST TRYING TO DO MY LAST SET OF BICEP CURLS AND GO HOME.   

Quick tangent: I never got into Resident Evil, or any of the other big zombie killing games growing up. There are many theories circulating my group of friends as to why, but the most popular one is that I have lady bits… go figure. I finally understood when Dead Rising came out. Part of the allure is the creativity behind firing golf balls into the oncoming horde, but it’s really an escapist fantasy that lets you kill people. It’s not that my generation is made up entirely of sociopaths; it’s that we have no outlet outside of sports for our natural violent tendencies. Zombie games, and probably most first person shooters now that I think about it, are really just a release for our impotent nerd rage. I didn’t get the earlier games because I don’t have a lot of frustrating memories of other people in creepy old houses, but I loved Dead Rising because another place I hate everyone is at the mall. The point of this side bar is that I’d love to see a Dead Rising game that’s set in a gym. I would really like to try to figure out how to kill a zombie/roidfreak with a rowing machine. Please internet, make this happen for me.

Zombieland was on the edge of my tolerance for gross things, but I will play this game literally all night. Source.

Though the things I hate about the gym may be more concrete than the things I love, I really do believe the positives outweigh the negatives. Hopefully I can stick with my current exercise plan, then one day I’ll write a column on the six things I love the most about my abs… see what I did there.

Machak’s S(even)ix Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is chock full of legendary slams.

Addicting game of the Week if you can figure out the controls, I remember this game being aggressively awesome.

Text From Last Night of the Week guys… we gotta stop with the abbreviations, seriously.

Song of the Week, one of the best tracks off the new album.

Random Fact of the Week makes me really appreciate the lengths women will go to look good.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week is more proof that Dave Grohl is the living embodiment of awesome.

Since this post is so very late, I’ll throw in a little extra to the mix. I’m going to tell you guys the quick morning workout I designed in high school. If you can do it twice in fifteen minutes, congratulations you are now ready to join the Oakton High School Junior Varsity Wrestling team. But seriously, it really works your abs and I’ve watched much better looking people than me struggle to get through it.

45 sec plank
15 leg lifts
12 Push-ups
25 obliques, each side
12 Sit-ups
15 Push-ups
12 Sit-ups
25 obliques, each side
12 Push-ups
15 leg lifts
45 sec plank

Two minute break and repeat.

Enjoy.