I Voted

There have been many days when I've wanted to post something in this space, but decided that I would come off sounding like a fortune cookie. I felt that something I'd written lacked originality, and that nothing would be gained by anyone reading it. I really pride myself on trying to keep my writing fresh and (in my eyes) insightful. But today, I don't particularly care. Election day is all about tradition and cliches. So here goes my horribly unoriginal, decidedly stale, but nevertheless relevant, election day pep talk.

If you have not done so already, I'm asking you to go vote. The polls are still open for a couple of hours, and it is wildly important to me that you exercise one of the most sacred rights we have as Americans. I can honestly say I don't care who you vote for, I didn't truly decide what I was going to do until about twenty seconds before I walked in the door. Of course, then I had an hour in line to re-open that debate. 

Let's be honest here, neither man is a costumed villain. There will be no great unmasking after the last vote is tallied, no evil monologue where we find out that the newly elected leader of our country was a secret fiend all along. Both of these men want to lead our country to new heights of prosperity, they simply don't agree on which route to take.

So if I'm not emotionally invested in one candidate or the other, why do I care so much that you vote? I care because I am emotionally invested in America. I am one of the people that truly believes we live in the greatest country on Earth. The freedom of speech, and our right to vote are the two thickest pillars that hold up our ideals. I believe that the democratic process is the best way to run a country, and I can not understand why someone would ever voluntarily give up their right to participate in it.

If you think your vote doesn't matter because the candidate you support is projected to either win or lose your state in a landslide, I'm telling you that you're looking at it wrong. If you support the favorite, make sure the landslide is as massive as possible. If you support the underdog, let the favorite know that there are dissenting opinions among the masses. If you hate both candidates, write in Optimus Prime. Make a statement about your dissatisfaction with a two-party system.

This is your chance to say that you are unhappy, or to profess your faith that things will get better. It is always said that people died to give you this right, and die to protect it every day. Take a moment and really think about that concept. Then think about the fact that there are people who don't get to do this. There are countries where the people have no forum to express themselves. Voting in America is the rare gift that is both a right and a privilege. In the digital age we throw words around to the point where their power starts to fade, but if you slow yourself down and really focus on what they mean, the power comes back. 

Use your power, your right to vote. It's the most important thing you can do today.

Your right as an American

Today I exercised my favorite right as an American.

I called for a do-over.

As a society, the American people have an obsession with the second chance. We love the redemption story, the rise of the fallen, and the prodigal son. It is absolutely one of my favorite things about this country; even in utter failure, we don’t have to fail. We’ll let you file for bankruptcy or go to rehab. You can change your major, or go back for your Master’s. Our video games have extra lives and re-spawn points. Our movies have director’s cuts and gritty reboots. Our sports teams can fix things on the bye week, or reload for next year in the draft. The only thing we can do to really lose in this place, is stop playing. You have to make the conscious decision to give up! The only person that can stop you is you.

My own worst enemy

We have a hundred do-over opportunities built into our calendar. New Year’s resolutions, Spring Cleaning, Easter, the first of the month, the new fiscal year, birthdays, anniversaries, a full moon, the Sabbath, Thirsty Thursday, or the Winter Solstice.

Many lives have been changed after a Thirsty Thursday

The point is it doesn’t matter. Whenever you make up your mind to change something (or even everything) about your life is the perfect time to do it. I recently decided that I was unhappy with the road I was walking on, so today I changed lanes. I shaved my face, ate a salad for lunch, and even posted on my blog!

Maybe tomorrow I’ll work out, or even write some more. After all tomorrow is the first Friday in November, a perfect day for a do-over.

2012 NFL Fantasy Predictions

I wrote this article to apply for a contest Grantland was running to be their Fantasy Football columnist. (It’s the first of many coming your way Simmons!) While I didn’t win, I’m really happy with how it came out. The prompt was to spend 750 words on your top five fantasy players for the upcoming season, and one sleeper. I’ve edited it a bit since sending it in to Grantland, so it’s closer to 1000 words now, but you guys know that’s what I’m always shooting for anyway. Since the NFL season officially starts tonight, I thought now would be a good time to put my official picks out on the interwebs, enjoy!

Machak’s Fantasy Predictions

Fantasy football is a game that used to be dominated by running backs, but with the advent of the spread offense, it is time to accept the fact that the stud RB has gone the way of the dodo. Because humans are slow to evolve, the first three picks in your draft will be Ray Rice, Arian Foster, and LeSean McCoy in some order. After them, there is no one at the RB position you can count on. Serously, let’s talk about the next tier: Adrian Peterson, MJD, and Chris Johnson. Peterson is coming off a hellacious knee injury. MJD, The most automatic 1,000 yards and 10TDs in the game may not get to play because his team’s new owner wants to smother all contract negotiations with his glorious mustache. Finally, Chris Johnson made more guys quit on their fantasy teams last year than unexpected new girlfriends.

So instead of trying to keep a dying breed alive, I advise you to focus on the future: quarterbacks and borderline unnaturally athletic pass catchers.

1.       Aaron Rodgers – No, I don’t think he’ll be able to replicate the numbers he had last year. He’ll throw a few more picks, and not quite as many touchdowns. Rodgers’ last year would have reset the record books in your Madden dynasty. That being said, I’m willing to bet he comes close. The Vikings defense is a mess, the Bears are another year older, and the Lions made Matt Flynn a multimillionaire in one afternoon. Rodgers gets to play those teams a combined six times. I rest my case.

Also, here is a picture of him as Captain America… so that pretty much trumps any argument you were going to make. Source.

2.       Drew Brees – The Saints are starting this season using a replacement coach for their replacement coach. What that says to me is that Drew Brees will pick right back up where he left off at the end of the lockout, running this team. And I feel like he may call a few passing plays along the way.

Plus, you know he’s definitely well-rested. Source.

3.       Tom Brady – This ranking isn’t just to suck up to the Boston born boss on Grantland, I’m legitimately terrified of the Patriots this year. Brady has been a fantasy stud for roughly a decade, he has one of the most unique talents in the NFL at his disposal in Rob Gronkowski, and there isn’t a running back to share the ball with. What makes the Patriots offense more dangerous this year than last year, is that he gets Josh McDaniels back. The architect of some of the most potent passing attacks in history is back in New England, and he brought his muse Brandon Lloyd with him.

Always two, there are. Source.

4.       Calvin Johnson – Now I don’t want to be that guy who spoils stuff, but I think that Calvin Johnson has a shot at having a pretty good season. I’d argue that Calvin is the most dominant player in the NFL. Last season we watched him repeatedly shrug off TRIPLE teams on his way to touchdown after touchdown, and nearly 1700 yards. His combination of height, speed, strength, and body control is unmatched in the history of the NFL. At this point, even if Stafford goes down and the Lions have to pull a couple guys off the street named Stick and Bojangles to rotate every snap at quarterback, I’d still bet on Calvin to average 100yds a game.

There’s no joke here, it’s actually unfair to have him on your team. Source.

5.       Antonio Gates – I’m on board with everyone else who thinks Jimmy Graham and Gronkowski will have huge seasons again. However, defenses will be focusing on stopping Graham this year, and Gronk is moving into a socialized offense. With the departure of Vincent Jackson, and the injury to Vincent Brown, Gates is the last red zone option in San Diego. Rivers is better than the 20 picks he threw last year, and Gates is finally 100% after years of dealing with nagging injuries. Expect a ton of balls to go to the big guy across the middle.

Look at that ass! He will box you out, no contest. Source.

Sleeper: Ryan Williams – Since I told you to ignore running backs in the top five, you’re going to have to find them somewhere. The second year man out of Virginia Tech is my favorite sleeper this year. After getting injured in the pre-season last year, he is slipping under the radar in leagues without ACC fans. A record setter in college, he has 4.4 speed and truck stick power. Running behind a Russ Grimm coached offensive line, and simply waiting for Beanie “Glass Bones” Wells to go down, I believe you can find third or fourth round talent for the Mr. Irrelevant pick in your draft.

I don’t care if this was the last time he mattered, LOOK AT THAT PERFECT IN-GAME HEISMAN POSE! Source.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is in honor of this exhibit at the Smithsonian that I want to see.

Meme of the Week is new to the Six Mix, because I’ve given you plenty of Addicting Games.

Text From Last Night of the Week is on thin ice… I’m not crazy about the new sponsored texts at the top of these pages.

Song of the Week is my JAM!

Random Fact of the Week ever wonder why they call it Yahtzee? Now you won’t have to

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week the Racing Presidents teach you Gangnam Style

Eulogy for a Friendship

Josh Lucas is one of my oldest friends. I met him on the first day of third grade, and he has been one of my closest confidants for the last fifteen years. Together we made our way through elementary, middle, and high school. After graduation we visited each other at college, and spent our summers refining our beer pong skills.

Together we started a band, learned how to talk to girls, and worked at our first job. We’ve always laughed together, and we’ve been there for each other when it was appropriate to cry. We’ve shared hundreds of beers, our many thoughts about God, and even a couple girlfriends. We’ve talked about getting a bachelor pad in LA so that we can share our roaring 20’s. Most importantly, back in freshman year of high school Josh saved my life. Allow me to recount the heroic tale:

It was about 7:00 one Monday morning in the spring of our freshman year. I was sitting in front of my locker in the math hall, waiting for the homeroom bell to ring, when who should approach but Josh Lucas. He sat down next to me and said “Look Joe, you’re not sitting on your ass this spring, you’re playing lacrosse with me.” Now at that time I couldn’t even spell lacrosse, much less play the game, so I politely declined his invitation saying, “No, I’m not.” Then Josh reached back and punched me like, really, really, hard in the arm and said, “Yes, you are.” After such a well-rounded counter argument I had no choice but to relent from my original position, and joined him that afternoon for freshman lacrosse tryouts.

If you’re having trouble understanding how that destiny-filled punch saved my life, I’ll provide some context now. I was always a bigger kid growing up, but by 2003 I was clearly at a crossroads. As a 15 year old kid who measured 5’0” 220lbs I had two possible futures. It would have been easy to stay on the beaten path and continue eating everything in sight, thus damning myself to a lifetime of Wal-Mart sweat pants and turning sideways to get through standard doorways. But thanks to Josh’s violent urging, I decided to take the other path and made a drastic lifestyle change. That lacrosse season I lost 40lbs, and today I still weigh less than I did that morning. If it wasn’t for Josh I could easily have diabetes, severely clogged arteries, or very likely both by now.

I can never repay Josh for what he did that morning; the weight loss was the most obvious benefit I gained from lacrosse, but it was far from the only one. My time on the field also helped me fit in better with my classmates, it drilled a well of self-confidence in my soul that I still draw from today, and most importantly it gave me an excuse to grow this extraordinary flow:

Swag

It’s for all the things I’ve said, and a million unlisted happy memories that today is so difficult. Today I say goodbye to one of the best friends I’ll ever have. Today, I respond to this tweet:

Maybe if he gains a follower or two from this it will soften the blow...

I saw battleship Josh.

And… I LIKED it.

I know that paying to see this film in a theater is a mortal sin in your eyes, but please hear me out before we go our separate ways. There are four main reasons why I enjoyed this move:

1.All kinds of things explode
2.Brooklyn
3.Cranky Liam Neeson
4.Decker

If you look closely that list is both numbered and in alphabetical order, so do not even attempt to argue with it.

Her initials are B.D. and her “B”s are “D”s… coincidence? Yes, and a very happy one at that. Source.

Seriously though, this movie crushes all the major aspects of the perfect summer blockbuster. I understand why Taylor Kitsch keeps getting the keys to all these mega-budget movies, he’s good. He plays Alex Hopper, the kind of lovable scoundrel that made Harrison Ford our hero when we were growing up, and he nails it.

The exposition features the funniest chicken burrito heist ever captured on film, all the while making an excellent example of the trials a man will put himself through to earn the favor of a beautiful woman. No one is going to confuse Ms. Decker with an Oscar nominee any time soon, but she is perfectly capable in her role as inspirational eye candy. The most pleasant surprise from a performer came from Rihanna. She is completely believable as tom-boy Cora Raikes, crew mate and weapons specialist on the USS John Paul Jones.

While we’re at it, let’s talk about the believability of those weapons. People who don’t know any better like to complain that Michael Bay has too many unrealistic explosions in his films, those people don’t like fun, and in this movie they’re also flat out wrong. I know the explosions were realistic because I was sitting next to a retired Navy weapons officer when I was watching everything go boom. My dad, a sailor who spent 20 years employed and deployed by Uncle Sam, assured me that our bombs are legitimately that big. In fact, the whole movie is much closer to reality than you’d expect. Anti-missile machine guns? Real. Ships refusing to sink despite gigantic holes in them? Designed specifically for that issue. UFO inspection party made up of an officer, an engineer, and a crew mate? Where do you think Star Trek got that magic formula? It all checks out!

On top of all the cool navy stuff that happens, we also get to enjoy the following fun things: The aforementioned thoroughly cranky Liam Neeson, angry aliens, an awkward/skittish scientist, and Josh I swear on my name there is even a truly entertaining soccer scene!

I’m not saying the movie deserves an Oscar for making this interesting, all I’m saying is that people have won the Nobel Prize for less impressive feats. Source.

It’s not a perfect movie: it slows down for about 25 minutes in the middle while we are still trying to figure out the alien’s motives, there are some incredibly predictable action movie beats that Bay refuses to skip, and there is at least one frustrating plot hole that remains unanswered at the end. But I think if you were really honest with yourself, you would admit that had this movie been named anything other than Battleship and marketed without the board game tie-in, we absolutely would have seen it together.

If that poster said “Aliens and Boats” we would have been sitting next to each other at midnight the day it came out. Source.

So I beg you, don’t throw away everything we’ve built. Swallow your pride and give Battleship, and our friendship, a chance.

Love me. Miss me. Taylor Kitsch me.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week this one starts off by talking about maxi pads, interested yet?

Addicting game of the Week the MLB All-Star Game. Yeah I know there isn’t a link there, but that’s the only game I care about until the second half of the season starts back up on Friday. My blog, my rules.

Text From Last Night of the Week this genius just explained how blackouts happen.

Song of the Week if you don’t know about AWOLNATION yet, fix that.

Song of the Summer until someone dethrones her or we hit labor day, Miss Carly Rae reigns supreme.

Random Fact of the Week look to the right of your screen and read the description in the “Design” section.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week you guys, either jet packs are real, or Battleship was actually a documentary…

WVU(nderdogs)

For those of you that don’t like to watch SportsCenter twice a day (shut up, you’re not better than me) let me tell you something, ESPN values your opinion. They poll the country on all kinds of stuff, but the polls most often made into graphics for the show are fan based game predictions. ESPN takes the results of the polling and spits the data back to the audience as a color coordinated map. Here are the maps for three of the most important victories, and biggest upsets, in school history. 

Fiesta Bowl vs. Oklahoma. Source.

Elite Eight vs. Kentucky. Source.

Orange Bowl vs. Clemson. Source.

At WVU we really, really, love when ESPN makes maps. Whenever it happens, the campus starts buzzing; it’s all we can talk about. The energy in Morgantown in the weeks surrounding these games was electric. Even after I graduated, I was connected to that energy through my phone, facebook, and twitter. The mountaineer network was always humming extra loudly during both the lead up to, and celebration of these victories. These wins are different; we cherish them so much because they allowed us to tell the whole nation “You were wrong”. I’m not saying that we have some sort of claim on the mantle of underdog, (it’s no secret that most of America loves a good Cinderella story) but I believe the people connected with WVU have a deeper appreciation for the scenario. Most of us have lived our whole lives as the underdog; constantly undervalued, doubted, or downright disrespected. Many of our out of state students are kids like me. We got rejected from VA Tech, Rutgers, Maryland, Ohio State, Penn State, etc… but WVU was waiting with open arms and rolling admissions. They scooped us up, (and even gave some of us scholarships) and gave us amazing college experiences. 

That’s not to say that we’re an island of misfit toys; there are kids from both in and out of state that fulfill lifelong dreams by attending WVU. We have outstanding programs, including: the Perley Isaac Reed School of Journalism, the School of Medicine, (specifically the Psychology School) the Benjamin M. Statler College of Engineering and Mineral Resources, and our Forensic and Investigative Science program, which is head and shoulders above every other program like it in the country. But every student who graduates from one of these prestigious schools will have to suffer through the same stereotypical (and often patently offensive) “West Virginia jokes” for the rest of their lives. This unpleasantness does have an upside. It gives us a natural foundation of shared experience before we even set foot on campus, upon which we build relationships with our classmates. It also gives us an immediate sense of connection to all the people from WV, in my case a stronger connection than the one than I have with the people from my home state. We all feed off the doubt, fuel ourselves on disrespect, and treasure no victory like the ones coming in games which we were counted out of before the first whistle.

Haters gonna hate! Source.

Before I knew anything about WVU, the school had to watch as the ACC took VT, BC, and Miami, leaving us behind to rebuild the Big East. I had to feel that sting myself this past fall as the ACC came back for another pass. This time they took Syracuse and, most painfully, our hated rival pitt. For the second time in a decade, we were not invited to the party. Despite being the fourteenth winningest football program in history (higher than any ACC school), and having the fourth winningest active coach in D-1 NCAA basketball. 

There was never an official reason given as to why WVU did not garner an invitation from the ACC, in fact there was some dispute as to whether we even ever applied. However, sports bloggers the world over offered up their opinions on the matter, (as sports bloggers are apt to do) and there was one predominant theory: our academic record. The internet decided that the obvious reason for our exclusion was that our academics were not up to the standard of the ACC, and they were right. I warn you beforehand, this next part involves some math. According to Forbes WVU is the 403rd ranked college in the US, a full 381 places behind the highest ranked ACC school, Duke (#22). 381 is a big number, almost as big as 384, (Clemson’s ranking) and a whole lot bigger than 6, (the number of places WVU is behind the lowest ranked school in the ACC: Georgia Tech #397). Don’t get me wrong, I’m not about to brag about our #403 ranking, and I realize that we would be the lowest ranked school in the ACC if we were invited. But I’m fairly certain that if Clemson and Georgia Tech don’t cause the other school’s presidents to tear tufts of hair from their beards in fits of shame filled rage, those extra six spots won’t either.

I learned the hard way, shame filled rage is murder on facial hair…

it also makes you look like you got a haircut…

That latest rejection is one of the reasons our legendary, (record shattering) victory over Clemson in the 2012 Orange Bowl meant so much to us. Clemson was the ACC champion, the conference that decided we weren’t good enough for them, and we crushed them like Godzilla stomping on so many tiny cars. In doing so, we gained our third BCS bowl victory, (making us 3-0 in BCS games, and giving us one more BCS victory than the ENTIRE ACC conference has managed since the BCS was born in 1998) and we did it by shutting down Clemson quarterback Taj Boyd. The same Taj Boyd that decommitted from WVU three years ago.

How does that taste?

There have been big victories throughout the school’s history, but it’s a different feeling now. Instead of losing recruits, we’re attracting junior college transfers. Admissions are through the roof, last year freshmen were living in hotels because we didn’t have enough dorm space. Most tellingly, instead of our head coach bolting for a “destination school”, this is happening: WVU hires Joe DeForest. That link is to the press release that WVU put out about one of the latest hires for the football program. Most of you don’t know who he is; and unless you went to WVU, you probably don’t care. But that short sentence speaks volumes about the state of my alma mater. I’ll spare you the numbers this time, but understand that this man is one of the most successful and respected recruiters, special teams coaches, and assistant defensive coordinators in the country. He had been working for Oklahoma State for 11 years and he still decided to leave the defending Big 12 conference champion to join the WVU program, a program that will soon be an OKST conference rival. This is a move that would be unbelievable as recently as two years ago.

Coach Holgorsen and Coach Huggins are working with Athletic Director Oliver Luck to build the land grant university from Morgantown into a perennial powerhouse. While it’s certainly a trade I’d be happy to make, if things continue to track in this direction we won’t get any more of the maps we love to hate. Plus, our players won’t get to do things like this anymore. 

I know he got the percentage wrong, but cut him some slack… he was exhausted from scoring SEVENTY POINTS! Source.

Click here, then skip to 2:56 to get psyched with John Flowers. Source.

I’m excited to see how we handle our new place in college athletics. I don’t mean on the field, I have absolute faith in our coaches’ abilities. No, what I’m most interested to see is how the student body and the alumni network react to our new status. I just hope we can keep the spirit we forged during our battle for respect, once it’s finally given to us.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week The sequel to one of my favorite Cracked articles ever.

Addicting game of the Week Extremely cartoony physics game.

Text From Last Night of the Week I gotta be honest you guys, I might have to stop doing the TFLN of the Week….. it hurts my soul so much that I’m not in college anymore.

Song of the Week Come on… what else was it gonna be?

Random Fact of the Week I don’t care, I still want to live at the beach.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week This link gets you access to the newest daily deals site on the web. It’s based in NOVA and specializes in servicing the DMV, you’re welcome.

#J18

Did you notice something was missing on the 18th?

Like Google’s banner?

Or ALL of Wikipedia?

Or maybe Craigslist?

Just in case you were away from the Internet all day, (where were you? outside?) or if you were just too lazy to click one of their “about the blackout” links, I’m going to tell you what they were up to. Wikipedia was joined by over 7,000 websites in a 24-hour blackout to protest two bills currently up for debate in Congress named SOPA and PIPA.

 

The blogosphere has been set ablaze trying to decide what the most offensive thing about these bills is: The potential for abuse? Their impact on 1st amendment rights? Making us colleagues with China and Iran? The proposed damage to the Internet itself? Or just the general shortsightedness of this bill. What I’m going to do in this post is explain all of the issues people are taking with these bills and then let you decide what offends you the most.

Let me preface this analysis by saying that I am not a doctor, lawyer, or a politician. This is a breakdown of the issues with SOPA, as I understand them. I came to these conclusions after reading the Wikipedia pages about both SOPA and PIPA, Google’s invitation to join their anti-SOPA/PIPA petition, and numerous other articles and blogs on the topic. If you want to do your own research, here are the links to the Wiki on SOPA and the Wiki on PIPA. I will also link to the actual bills at the end of this column.

Bill construction

The way I understand it, this bill seeks to give corporations the ability to skip due process and obtain court orders to effectively shut down websites they find to facilitate piracy or copyright infringement. The mission statement of this bill is to try to control the foreign websites that are streaming movies/games/music for download.  Because of the way this bill is written, enacting it into law would destroy the Internet as we currently know it. This law would put the onus on the website to police itself, making sure there is no copyright protected material appearing anywhere, or risk legal action. 

The first step a corporation could take against an accused website (again, without due process) is to obtain a court order that would force American advertisers to cut off their accounts with a website, and keep new advertisers from working with said website. If that doesn’t work, the next court order would force search engines, including Google, to remove a website from it’s results. Another court order would physically remove the host site from the DNS servers, (we’ll get to the horrific side effects of this action later) if they refuse to take down the offending page. Finally, anyone with 10 counts against their name is a six month span would face up to five years in jail. 

Potential for abuse

If this power was truly limited to taking down websites used to host illegal downloads I’d be all for it. I don’t believe that art and entertainment should be free. Artists, and even corporations, have a right to earn money from the fruits of their labor. Piracy is a real problem that costs real dollars and real jobs; but the real problem I have with this legislation is that it also expands copyright protection. The fact that any website that facilitates copyright infringement is under the jurisdiction of this bill means we could potentially say goodbye to Facebook, Youtube, Tumblr, (or any other blog hosting site) and Twitter. The manpower necessary to check everything anyone posts on one of those websites for piracy or copyright infringement is unfathomable. To prove my point, let’s just look at Twitter. As of June 2011, the world was sending 200 million tweets a day. Twitter describes that ridiculous number as “the equivalent of a 10 million-page book in Tweets or 8,163 copies of Leo Tolstoy’s War and Peace. Reading this much text would take more than 31 years…” And remember, that information is over six months old! Twitter has only gotten more popular since then, and if you add in the 800 million people on Facebook, it becomes clear that there are simply not enough moderators in the world to make sure everything on social media is copyright infringement free. But our losses wouldn’t stop at the blogging community; any website with a comment section, (a.k.a. ALL of the websites) would be in danger. 

Some chicken little types are have been screaming that this bill will land thousands of America’s daughters in prison. The scary hypothesis states that according to the letter of the law, if eight year old little Susie from down the block was to record ten videos of herself singing her favorite Taylor Swift songs and upload them to Youtube, she’d be off to the big house. I don’t believe the justice system would ever fail that spectacularly, but anything is possible…. 

Impact on 1st amendment rights

Thanks to the enormity of the Internet, you can already find people debating the constitutionality of a law that has not even cleared the House floor. Most of the anger comes from our innate desire to protect the first amendment. The fact that this law would allow corporations, or the government, to leap frog due process and get straight to the ban hammer is truly terrifying. I’m trying to avoid hyperbole because I want this post to be taken seriously, but the first thing that came to my mind when I read about this bill was George Orwell’s 1984. It’s not a perfect metaphor, as obviously this bill doesn’t give anyone the power to delete a person from existence; however it certainly has the potential to kill their thoughts and silence their online voice. For the average person, the Internet is their best (and likely only) platform to be heard by the masses. 

Seriously… what would we do without Tumblr? Source.

Our new colleagues
 

Wikipedia has defined five levels of Internet censorship: none, under surveillance, selective censorship, substantial censorship, and finally pervasive censorship. Currently the USA is proud to be in the NONE category, but if this bill were to become law we would immediately jump into at least the selective censorship group. That downgrade would make us neighbors with the likes of India, Libya, and Russia, among others. While the separation between these levels is subjective at best, we would absolutely meet one of the requirements to join the notorious ranks of countries with pervasive censorship: “Such nations often censor political, social, and other content and may retaliate against citizens who violate the censorship with imprisonment or other sanctions.” If you were wondering who we would be joining in the modern day legion of doom, here are the countries Wikipedia currently lists as having pervasive censorship: Bahrain, Burma, China, Cuba, Iran, Kuwait, Myanmar, North Korea, Oman, Qatar, Saudi Arabia, South Korea, Syria, Tunisia, Turkmenistan, United Arab Emirates, Uzbekistan, Vietnam, and Yemen. It is unfathomable to me that we are even talking about this as a possibility, six months ago we were trying to decide if the Great Firewall of China was a violation of human rights!!! 

Damage to the Internet

This part is at a technical level that I’m not confident I fully understand, however I don’t want to skip over this information because it may be the biggest issue to people who know what it means. To avoid passing on bad information from me, you should really read this part of the Wiki yourself, but a part of the bill would affect the integrity of the DNS system. At the simplest level (meaning as far as I can understand it) this bill would force the alteration of the infrastructure of the Internet. Think about the Internet as a sprawling metropolis, whenever you mess with the infrastructure of a city, bad things happen. Like if you close a road, people have to find a detour. The biggest fear I’ve heard from Internet architects is that if you start messing with the DNS it will be easier for people to accidentally find themselves in Virusville. Your computer won’t know if it’s following a government sanctioned detour, or a shady hacker’s shortcut. But seriously, read this part yourself!

General shortsightedness

Like I said earlier, I don’t blame the media companies for wanting something to get done about this. Their anti-piracy commercials aren’t working, they’re punch lines. Honestly I think they messed up by calling it piracy, pirates are cool, and you should never make your enemies sound cool. But trying to pass this bill is just action for action’s sake. Even if you throw out the moral issues and assume that this unprecedented power is used only for it’s stated purpose, this bill still has no chance to accomplish it’s mission. It is destined to fail for three reasons: scope, speed, and (ironically) success.

This bill asks for $47 million (gotta love fiscally responsible deficit spending) to fund a task force comprised of 22 special agents and 26 members of a support staff. So Congress expects 48 people to police the Internet, good luck. Even if these agents find the most nefarious site on the web and blow it to hell with the (choose your own joke here, your options are: Master Control Program, Death Star, or the One Ring… enjoy) I’m afraid this is a Hydra scenario; cut off one head and two will rise to take it’s place. It takes about ten minutes to register a domain name, less than an hour total to set up a bit torrent site. This is simply a numbers game that the government has no chance to win. 

As with all conflicts throughout history, this comes down to a struggle for power. The people that have it don’t want to lose it, and the people without it are trying to take some.  The media has always fought innovation, from the player piano to the cassette tape, and VHS to burnable cds/dvds/blu-rays. Media giants have fought new technology for the same reason that the oil industry fights with renewable energy companies, fear of lost profit margins. 

The American people have proven that we aren’t unreasonable; you just have to be willing to innovate. We won’t wait a week for Fox to stream a new episode of New Girl because we know that Hulu makes money. On the other hand, I have never illegally downloaded a song because the iTunes store is a reasonable alternative. We get so furious as a people by these companies claiming lost profit because the aforementioned iTunes store posted a $1.4 billion QUARTER!!!!! When the nation is sporting an 8.5% unemployment rate, you don’t get to complain about anything with a billion in it. The success of iTunes, Hulu, Netflix, and Video On Demand from the networks proves that you can make money in the digital age.

One of the best things about this country is that once we achieve new heights, we fight like hell to stay there.  A reluctance to innovate is not an acceptable reason to take our civil liberties, and until they give us a reasonable alternative piracy will thrive. The Internet proved its own worth on #J18. Google made it’s voice heard by adding 7 million names to it’s petition against SOPA/PIPA, and Congress listened. The next day, 13 senators who were originally co-sponsors for PIPA decided to oppose it. The Whitehouse has promised to protect our rights, as well as the structural integrity of the Internet. That being said, this problem is not going to just disappear. These bills will be back, with different names and a slightly different construction. As long as there is money at stake the media companies will fight for it. So keep your eyes pealed and your ears clean, the internet may be a megaphone for each of us, but it has no voice of it’s own. We need to protect it, so that we can continue to use it to protect ourselves.

From the Library of Congress:

SOPA

PIPA