2012 NFL Fantasy Predictions

I wrote this article to apply for a contest Grantland was running to be their Fantasy Football columnist. (It’s the first of many coming your way Simmons!) While I didn’t win, I’m really happy with how it came out. The prompt was to spend 750 words on your top five fantasy players for the upcoming season, and one sleeper. I’ve edited it a bit since sending it in to Grantland, so it’s closer to 1000 words now, but you guys know that’s what I’m always shooting for anyway. Since the NFL season officially starts tonight, I thought now would be a good time to put my official picks out on the interwebs, enjoy!

Machak’s Fantasy Predictions

Fantasy football is a game that used to be dominated by running backs, but with the advent of the spread offense, it is time to accept the fact that the stud RB has gone the way of the dodo. Because humans are slow to evolve, the first three picks in your draft will be Ray Rice, Arian Foster, and LeSean McCoy in some order. After them, there is no one at the RB position you can count on. Serously, let’s talk about the next tier: Adrian Peterson, MJD, and Chris Johnson. Peterson is coming off a hellacious knee injury. MJD, The most automatic 1,000 yards and 10TDs in the game may not get to play because his team’s new owner wants to smother all contract negotiations with his glorious mustache. Finally, Chris Johnson made more guys quit on their fantasy teams last year than unexpected new girlfriends.

So instead of trying to keep a dying breed alive, I advise you to focus on the future: quarterbacks and borderline unnaturally athletic pass catchers.

1.       Aaron Rodgers – No, I don’t think he’ll be able to replicate the numbers he had last year. He’ll throw a few more picks, and not quite as many touchdowns. Rodgers’ last year would have reset the record books in your Madden dynasty. That being said, I’m willing to bet he comes close. The Vikings defense is a mess, the Bears are another year older, and the Lions made Matt Flynn a multimillionaire in one afternoon. Rodgers gets to play those teams a combined six times. I rest my case.

Also, here is a picture of him as Captain America… so that pretty much trumps any argument you were going to make. Source.

2.       Drew Brees – The Saints are starting this season using a replacement coach for their replacement coach. What that says to me is that Drew Brees will pick right back up where he left off at the end of the lockout, running this team. And I feel like he may call a few passing plays along the way.

Plus, you know he’s definitely well-rested. Source.

3.       Tom Brady – This ranking isn’t just to suck up to the Boston born boss on Grantland, I’m legitimately terrified of the Patriots this year. Brady has been a fantasy stud for roughly a decade, he has one of the most unique talents in the NFL at his disposal in Rob Gronkowski, and there isn’t a running back to share the ball with. What makes the Patriots offense more dangerous this year than last year, is that he gets Josh McDaniels back. The architect of some of the most potent passing attacks in history is back in New England, and he brought his muse Brandon Lloyd with him.

Always two, there are. Source.

4.       Calvin Johnson – Now I don’t want to be that guy who spoils stuff, but I think that Calvin Johnson has a shot at having a pretty good season. I’d argue that Calvin is the most dominant player in the NFL. Last season we watched him repeatedly shrug off TRIPLE teams on his way to touchdown after touchdown, and nearly 1700 yards. His combination of height, speed, strength, and body control is unmatched in the history of the NFL. At this point, even if Stafford goes down and the Lions have to pull a couple guys off the street named Stick and Bojangles to rotate every snap at quarterback, I’d still bet on Calvin to average 100yds a game.

There’s no joke here, it’s actually unfair to have him on your team. Source.

5.       Antonio Gates – I’m on board with everyone else who thinks Jimmy Graham and Gronkowski will have huge seasons again. However, defenses will be focusing on stopping Graham this year, and Gronk is moving into a socialized offense. With the departure of Vincent Jackson, and the injury to Vincent Brown, Gates is the last red zone option in San Diego. Rivers is better than the 20 picks he threw last year, and Gates is finally 100% after years of dealing with nagging injuries. Expect a ton of balls to go to the big guy across the middle.

Look at that ass! He will box you out, no contest. Source.

Sleeper: Ryan Williams – Since I told you to ignore running backs in the top five, you’re going to have to find them somewhere. The second year man out of Virginia Tech is my favorite sleeper this year. After getting injured in the pre-season last year, he is slipping under the radar in leagues without ACC fans. A record setter in college, he has 4.4 speed and truck stick power. Running behind a Russ Grimm coached offensive line, and simply waiting for Beanie “Glass Bones” Wells to go down, I believe you can find third or fourth round talent for the Mr. Irrelevant pick in your draft.

I don’t care if this was the last time he mattered, LOOK AT THAT PERFECT IN-GAME HEISMAN POSE! Source.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is in honor of this exhibit at the Smithsonian that I want to see.

Meme of the Week is new to the Six Mix, because I’ve given you plenty of Addicting Games.

Text From Last Night of the Week is on thin ice… I’m not crazy about the new sponsored texts at the top of these pages.

Song of the Week is my JAM!

Random Fact of the Week ever wonder why they call it Yahtzee? Now you won’t have to

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week the Racing Presidents teach you Gangnam Style