10 for '13

Welp… it’s January 27th and I’m just posting my New Year’s resolutions blog. Guess we’ll have to try for “stop procrastinating” in 2014 huh?

Part of what was slowing me down is that 2012 was a very good year for me, and I’m having trouble letting it go. Actually that’s a pretty huge understatement, 2012 was the best year of my life and I’m in a great place right now.

All that being said I want to keep moving forward, and I’m not yet where I want to be. So what follows here are my 10 resolutions for 2013. They are broken down into three categories: Steps Toward True Adulthood, Creative Endeavors, and Dental Floss. 

Steps Toward True Adulthood

Try to guess which stage on this chart my chest is as hairy as. Source.

1. Lose the weight: Over the past several years I have been dangerously close to having both a jaw line and self-esteem, (two things I have not possessed since the mid-aughts) three times. Unfortunately, as soon as I begin nearing my weight loss goals, I rest on my laurels and balloon right back up to unpleasantly plump. So my next resolution is to….

2. Keep it off: This one is pretty self-explanatory. When I get to the top of the mountain this time, I want to make camp. As opposed to immediately rolling back down to Chubbytown.

3. Get into a grown-up apt: Since my Mom and Dad retired and moved to Florida, I have been living in my best friend’s parent’s basement. They have absolutely been life-savers. This situation has allowed me to save up money, not have to pursue a third job, and eat much better food than I could afford on my own. However, I am really, really, really, ready to be a real person. After having lived in my own apartment during college, it is extremely difficult to live in someone else’s space. I could list a million little reasons why it’s hard to live in another person’s house, but there is really one main luxury of having my own spot that I truly miss. I can’t wait to be able to walk in the front door and immediately take off my pants again.

This is where you belong pants. Source.

Oh, also I live an hour from where I work, and that just blows. Which leads me to my next resolution…

4. Get a better job: I really love working at Discovery. They pay me better than anyone ever has, to do a job that I don’t hate. That being said, it’s not the job that I want. Right now I’m in a support role in television, and I really want to get to the creative side. If I can find a job as an editor within the company, that would be ideal. But if not, I’m ready to move on to my next adventure. And speaking of adventures… (No lie, I feel like I’m killing it with these segues today!)

5. Date more: I actually tied my personal record for BDPA, (Broads Dated Per Anum) last year. BUT, that number is too embarrassingly low to print. I’ve got friends that are getting married this year, and there’s probably only one girl in my past that I can legitimately claim to have had a meaningful relationship with. All of my other experiences have been fleeting flings. Bottom line, I’ve gotta pick up the pace. Speaking of pace…

Creative Endeavors

In this picture I’m acting like I’m writing, while listening to music! And you’ll understand how perfect this is after you read the next four resolutions…

6. Write more: I spend a ton of my free time reading other blogs. I have been regarding this as research, the writer’s equivalent of hitting the film room before the big game. But now I’m attempting to change philosophies, and go with the “practice makes perfect” method instead. I’d love to get to a point where writing could sustain my lifestyle. The only way that’s going to happen is if I start pumping out enough material to build a real following. Or decide to change my lifestyle to “homeless”… and “foodless”.

7. Post more: You would think this goes hand in hand with #6 up there, but if so you are clearly underestimating my psychosis. I never actually stopped writing for this blog. I have at least three different folders of half-finished posts; one on a work computer at my old office, one on my laptop, and all of my drafts in Gmail. I went through a two week stretch where I wrote a complete post every day, slept on it, woke up and hated every word I had written. The level of quality that I believe I have achieved with each of my published posts is something I am fiercely devoted to. This blog is on a very short list of things that I can honestly say I created entirely on my own. That fact makes it very important to me, but also terrifying. There is no safety net here, no teammate to share the burden of failure. While at the end of the day I may be writing this mostly for myself, the opinions of the handful of people that I know have read everything on this site are something that I care deeply about. I want to learn to trust my talent and judgment enough that my post rate increases.

8. Record an EP: One of my other passions is music. I only have two tried and true methods for relieving stress: hitting baseballs, and singing until I am hoarse.

AND DANCING MY FACE OFF

I need to listen to it to drive, to run, to write, or just to relax. This deep connection led me to try making my own music, so I have been in an ever-evolving garage band for the better part of a decade. The many hours spent rehearsing and writing alongside the rotating cast of characters I have played with over the years has resulted in: two live performances, a handful of non-mastered songs, and one completely psychotic music video. My current band mates are both talented and dedicated. My modest goal is to record five original songs this year so that we can finally have a physical album to say we made.

9. Get paid to act: If money wasn’t a problem, like if I was born a bratty trust fund kid, I would be an actor. It’s the thing I feel I am most talented at, and I have never felt more fulfilled than at the end of a show when I’m taking part in the company bow. I’m a California kid at heart, and one day I hope to live on the beach. Plus, I hear LA traffic isn’t as bad as DC’s! I’m actually kind of making progress on this one already this year. I’m not going to get paid for it, but I just got cast in a web-based miniseries that will be a futuristic retelling of the Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Don’t worry, when we start shooting you’ll hear all about it I promise.

Dental Floss

Disclaimer: this is not an accurate depiction of how to floss, in case you’ve forgotten how it’s done. Source.

10. Floss more: Bet you thought I was kidding. But seriously guys… we should all be flossing more often. Literally nothing can get in the way of this. It takes like three minutes, and it costs like a nickel. So even if I accomplish nothing else this year, I’m leaving it with incredible teeth.

Here’s to 2013.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is sound advice from Mr. Robert Brockway

Meme of the Week is actually terrifying, but still chuckle-worthy.

Text From Last Night of the Week is from a finalist for Mom of the Year.

Song of the Week is the musical baby that was born when Calvin and Florence hooked up. And the music 

video is that baby’s nightmare.

Random Fact of the Week does not make sense.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week I’m sure you’ve already heard by now, but this is big news.

Secret Truths of Adulthood

While I was growing up, I realized at some point that we cross secret checkpoints for maturity. Like when I started high school, I was really starting to become an adult. When I started college, my parents started treating me like an adult. Finally, when I was getting close to graduating from college, I actually felt like an adult. No, there wasn’t one triumphant moment when I stood up in class and said, “From henceforth let it be known that I am a Man!” What I’m saying is I started to realize that people I looked at as “adults” were treating me more like an equal. Also, kids in high school started calling me sir.

There are a lot of cool things about being an adult. For instance, you can have candy for breakfast and no one can say shit. On the flipside, people stop complimenting you for doing things correctly, you’re just expected to be successful. All in all, I think it’s a pretty fair trade. But while I’ve been busy getting used to all the new freedoms and responsibilities I’ve gained since graduation; I’ve noticed a few other “secret truths of adulthood” which have really surprised me.

The first “secret truth of adulthood” I’ve come across is that jerks usually don’t grow out of being jerks. When I was little, adults were always very careful to be polite to each other in front of me. People that I’d later find out hated each other had seemed like the best of friends. My parents were incredibly gifted at this. Because of their acting skills, I thought all adults were basically good people, you know unless they were criminals.

Either I was lucky to have adults in my life that wanted me to believe in the best in people, or video games really do affect our perception of the real world.

But the truth is, the jerks you knew in high school are most likely the douchebags you knew in college; and the diploma doesn’t come with a new personality. The same kid that wouldn’t help with the group project is now the guy who plays with his iPhone all day at work.  And honestly, why are we always surprised when a professional athlete turns out to be a sucky person? Those guys are just the entitled jocks you hated in high school, but bigger and even more fervently enabled. In retrospect, this first truth really shouldn’t have been a surprise, but a disappointment.

Probably not Mr. Congeniality. Source.

In contrast, this next “secret truth” was a HUGE surprise to me. Last week I was picking some stuff up at Target, and when I was on my way out of the store someone caught my eye. I only got a glimpse of her, and I hadn’t seen her face, but I was about seventy percent sure a porn star had just walked past me. This girl was wearing jean shorts that were riding so high you could almost call them a thong, and her plain white t-shirt had a V so deep you could almost see her belly button. Now I’m not usually a go getter when it comes to women, but I needed to see if I had just crossed paths with an “actress”. Well, I didn’t. As I stood rooted to the spot, gawking with my tongue out, the girl turned around. I literally gagged as I realized this ridiculously hot, and skankily dressed, “woman” could not have been sixteen.  After recovering from the initial shock, I walked away and chalked it up as an isolated incident. But, it wasn’t. Just this Sunday I was at Chipotle with my good friend Chris, when yet another female figure made me do a cartoon style double take. Once again, a girl with half her butt hanging out of the bottom of her shorts turned around to reveal a face that could not be on a license yet.

You might think I’m going to say that the “truth” is I’ve come to a day when high school girls are no longer “hot” to me. Well I’m not, I’m 22 so that day came a long time ago sicko. No, what I realized goes much deeper than that. I wasn’t just surprised or annoyed that these girls were too young for me; I was actually offended they were dressing this way. It wasn’t a conscious decision to make a judgment; I just caught myself thinking, “WHAT is she wearing?” But as soon as that thought faded, I just started laughing. Because I knew that four or five years ago I would have thought those girls were awesome. But today, I’m looking at them like an “old person”. The “secret truth” is that eventually, your point of view will shift.

Courtney Stodden is 16 and inappropriate on a national stage. Source.

This recent change in mentality doesn’t end with my opinion on risqué high school fashion choices. I went to see Cowboys & Aliens the weekend it was released, and as you know this movie didn’t break any attendance records. Even so, it was still a fairly packed house. The row behind me was filled with about a dozen 15 year old boys. How could I tell the age of some kids sitting behind me in a dark theater? Well I got to hear their voices a lot, because this group of young scholars had just discovered the f-word. This is a big day in a young man’s life, and they were making the most of it. Every trailer invoked not whispers, but loud declarations of both “that’s going to f-ing suck” and “shut the f-ck up, it’s gonna f-ing rock!” Then the opening shot of the movie was both “f-ing stupid” and “f-ing bad-ass”, depending on which of these rapscallions you polled. In a span of less than ten minutes, the entire theater was assaulted with f-bombs that numbered in the triple digits. I wasn’t just annoyed that they were talking during the movie; I was embarrassed by their language. I was embarrassed that my parents had to sit there and listen to it. I was embarrassed that there was nothing I could do to stop them. But most of all, I was embarrassed that these kids didn’t have the shame to be embarrassed for themselves; it was a poor representation of my gender. The only way I could have reacted like an older man would have been to yell at the kids to get off my lawn.

All I wanted to yell was a beautifully ironic, “Yippee-kay yay mother f-er!” as I re-enacted this classic scene from Die Hard on their adolescent asses. Source.

Of course, the last “secret truth of adulthood” for today centers on women. Until I hit about twelve, the biggest difference between my friends that were girls and friends that were boys was hair length. Then I went to middle school, and all of a sudden I started having trouble relating to the ladies. They were interested in different things, and over the summer had somehow developed the ability to communicate using only their eyes.

(I wanted to put a picture of this “eye talk” here, but all attempts to capture this super power on film have failed miserably.)

I was confused at first, but then I went home and saw that my parents somehow co-existed, and that my sister was spending all of her time with her boyfriend; so clearly these girls were just going through a phase. Fifty years of wacky sitcom hijinks should have prepared me for this one, but the “secret truth” is: there will never be a day that I completely understand women. They’re motivated by different chemicals and genitals, and I have to assume the confusion is mutual. Don’t get me wrong, I love women as they are; but I always assumed that one day I’d be able to get in their heads.

What are you thinking Scarlett Johansson? Source.

Some of you may have discovered these “truths” when you were in high school, and some of you may be calling bull shit on everything I’ve written today; still insisting that high school skanks will never go out of style. That’s the real “secret truth”, adulthood doesn’t come at the same time for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t come all at once.  

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week no article jumped into my head for this week, so here’s a webcomic instead.

Addicting game of the Week look I know I’ve put bloons up here before… but this is a bloons tower defense game, and it’s awesome.

Text from Last Night of the Week whatever he took, he took too much of it.

Song of the Week the first ever mash-up of the week.

Random Fact of the Week a beautiful metaphor for equality.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week you always thought you could build the Silver Monkey on your first try, 

now you have a chance to prove it.