Synapses on Superheroes Part I: Archetype Theory

Disclaimer: I’m a huge nerd. As such, I spend a lot of time thinking about superheroes. Over the life of this blog you’re going to read a lot of my thoughts on them, I’ll break up the mental manifesto that I have been formulating over the years into easier to digest pieces. In this edition, I’m going to break down a theory I came up with this week. I believe that all superheroes fall into one of three categories: heroes you wish you could be, heroes you think you could be, and heroes you really are. Now obviously I’m not asserting that any of my readers are secretly poisoned with gamma radiation and are going to throw their computer through the wall when they disagree with where I classify Wolverine; what I am saying is that there are a lot of people out there who can identify with a quiet man who constantly struggles to deal with the monster he becomes when he can’t control his rage. I’m going to try my best to prove this theory to you, and I’m not even going to make you answer a stupid survey question on facebook.

If you think back about fifteen years, before the comic book summer blockbuster boom, who would you say were the three most popular superheroes? It’s pretty clear to me that Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man were far above the rest of the superfolk. Now it’s too early in this column to start a “who are the best superheroes” fight, I know everyone had their own less profitable favorites: Iron Man, The Flash, and Captain America to name a few. Really the only thing we all agreed on was that Aquaman sucked.

Psh… Aquaman. Source: DcComics.com

But if you’re being honest with yourself, I think it’s hard to argue with my top three up there. They all had commercially successful/critically acclaimed cartoons, Spider-Man had been running in your newspaper since 1977, and Superman and Batman each had four movies already. (Stop pretending you don’t remember Superman IV or the Joel Schumacher era of Bat-suit nipples, if we pretend that these atrocities never occurred then we are opening the door for history to repeat itself!)  There’s a reason that these three heroes climbed to the apex of marketability. I believe it’s because each of these characters perfectly exemplifies one of the three categories of my theory.

Superman is the poster boy for “heroes you wish you could be”. He’s from another planet, he has an iconic costume/symbol, he’s damn near invincible, and his list of other powers and abilities drives to the borderline of absurd, pees on it, takes pictures, laughs, and continues straight on through to Canada. He has an ice palace with the incredibly awesome name “The Fortress of Solitude”. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way, how badass a slogan is that? When he is being Clark Kent, he has a job as an ace reporter at the world’s biggest newspaper and a smoking hot/hyper intelligent (except for the whole can’t recognize him through glasses thing) girlfriend in one of the best known female characters in the history of comics, Lois Lane. Ignoring everything else, the last son of Krypton can fly! That has got to be the number one wished for superpower from every little kid in the history of forever. Other than his code of ethics, none of his attributes are even remotely attainable.

Got that "S" on my chest

Batman has always been a pop culture icon, and his status is at an all-time high thanks to Christopher Nolan’s gritty reboot. But it’s not the special effects or Oscar worthy performances that draw people to this character; it’s the silent belief that if you had the resources, you could totally be the Dark Knight. His massive wealth has allowed him to become the ultimate vigilante, but other than the head start of a mountainous trust fund, there is no difference between him and us. What makes him the “hero who you think you could be” and not the “hero you really are” is the lifestyle of his secret identity; billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. This guy spends his days wining and dining at expensive charity galas and chatting up models, and his nights beating the fear of God into the scum of Gotham. Sometimes after a long day of being awesome, he gets to shack up with freaking Catwoman! Unfortunately, the average comic book reader doesn’t have access to billions of dollars. They couldn’t go toe to toe with a drunk in a bar fight, much less the super powered rogue’s gallery that the caped crusader faces off against every issue. And let’s stop pretending that anyone can operate on the eight minutes of sleep that is apparently all Bruce Wayne needs to kick ass in both the “private sector” and the public eye.

Plus he ALWAYS has the coolest car

Spider-Man is a different kind of story. Many of these differences are what I believe makes Peter Parker the character that the most people can really identify with. Now you might be thinking “Wait a second Joey, you’re telling me that a teenager that was bitten by a radioactive spider which fundamentally changed his DNA and granted him many of said spider’s abilities is more like me than Batman? You’re full of crap, and you know what else? I hate you. I shant waste any more of my precious internet on your blog.” Well please hear me out, and stop saying that you hate me; it hurts my feelings.

It’s not about the wall-crawler’s powers. Who among us will ever know what it feels like to swing through the New York City skyline, climb the outside of a one hundred story building, or even the simple joy of trading blows with a vicious arch nemesis? Spider-Man is the greatest example of the “heroes that you really are” because of the real world challenges he faces. Yes, Lex Luthor and The Joker along with the rest of the deviants and evildoers that Superman and Batman take down are great adversaries, but for the most part that’s all they face. They don’t have any “real” problems. At the end of the day Bruce goes back to Wayne manor, and Kal-El doesn’t even have to eat! For all their trials in the field, they get to leave their problems at the door so to speak.

When Spider-Man gets done beating Venom down with his fists of fury and snappy one liners, he crawls back to a tiny apartment. When he wakes up the next day he goes to a job where he gets paid (poorly) to give pictures of himself (as Spidey) to J. Jonah Jameson, a boss that belittles him (Peter) and who plans on using those pictures to turn the public against him (Webhead again). On top of all of that, when he takes off the mask, Peter is just as likely to run into one of the supervillains who torment him. His list of enemies has included: his best friend’s dad, his best friend, a rival photographer, and one of his college professors.

The comic also focuses a lot of time on where Peter comes from. He was a lonely loser in high school; he got bullied and beaten up and he wasn’t good with women. It never got easier for him, despite his natural intelligence. He struggles in college because of his difficulties balancing his studies and his responsibilities as Spider-Man.  Underneath it all, he’s just a kid who is struggling with life like the rest of us.

By this point you’ve probably guessed that Spider-Man is my favorite hero. So why am I so enamored with this depressing story about a man who can’t even win at life with super powers? Because like all great stories, this one is really about hope. Even though life keeps kicking him in the teeth, Peter Parker’s strength of will, and his core belief that “with great power comes great responsibility” won’t let him stay down. Of course, it helps that your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets to call Mary Jane Watson his girlfriend. I think that’s really why he’s my favorite, I love watching the nerd with a secret inner strength get a shot with the girl of his dreams.

I’d save the world for that. Source: Marvel.com

Machak’s Six (SEVEN SUPER LINKS) Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week let’s hope Hollywood quits while it’s ahead and we never see these plots on the silver screen.

Addicting game of the Week super plants? I don’t know… it’s 3:30AM and this game rocks. Thank Kristen Lautenschalger for this submission.

Text from Last Night of the Week I can’t explain how badly I want to do this.

Song of the Week come on… like you didn’t know this was coming.

Random Fact of the Week this is super depressing…

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week in honor of the Cap’s new movie, once again brought to you by Kristen Lautenschlager.

Bonus Surprise Awesomeness of the Week since you all have been so cool about me being late this week. Credit Sean Cutright for finding this one.

SUPER BONUS MATERIAL ALERT: I will be adding another post later this week where I classify many of your favorite heroes according to my theory. Then let the debate begin!!!

The Ladies Man's Guide to Job Hunting

Having spent the majority of my time since graduation trying to find a job, and the majority of my life trying to date above my head, I’ve noticed some undeniable similarities between the two chase scenes that fill my day.

This guide is not for people willing to settle for a job waiting tables, or the first girl they meet. It’s about getting something that truly fulfills you, and someone who makes you smile when you wake up in the morning. Knowing who is looking for love is easy in this day and age. Companies do you the favor of putting up job postings, but like a gorgeous girl with her relationship status set to single, just because you’re both available doesn’t mean hooking up is a foregone conclusion. When chasing a perfect ten, you’re going to have to make the first move. Like any self-respecting business woman, you ain’t gonna hear any more from her until you send in a resume.

As with any other object of desire, you are not going to be the only one pursuing the career/hottie of your choice. Remember, there’s always a bigger fish. In this case the fish is someone with more experience who is willing to work for less pay; or a dude with a better chassis (physique or car, you choose). If you’re dealing with a company who is filling the position from a large enough pool of applicants, you might not even hear back from them. A girl out of your league will have enough suitors that if you aren’t offering something particularly interesting, she won’t bother returning your missed call.

So take a moment to consider your resume. As Napoleon Dynamite said, “Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.”

I cook, I clean, I sing, I dance... Ladies, what else do you want?

At first this might seem like a significant challenge to your happiness, but think about it man, you’ve been stock piling skills since you were born. Seriously, that’s all you’ve done for your entire life up until this point. You’ve learned to walk, talk, poop on the potty, read, write, ride a bike, drive a car, and most importantly drink. Those are just the basics; some of you have even learned how to kiss. And when it comes to your career, you went to four years of college to gain relevant skills remember?

No, because of the drinking...

Unfortunately, while a solid resume will bring you to the door, the people who know somebody on the other side are the ones that usually get to see it open. You can graduate cum laude, have two CEOs on your list of references, and more than a year’s worth of practical experience (like me), but you’re still just a name and a word document in a full inbox. You have a much better chance of getting an interview if you know a guy who knows a guy, that’s just the way things work. This is just as true in the dating game. Let’s say you spend your weekends at the children’s hospital teaching blind orphans how to paint, and you stop on your way home to rescue boxes of puppies from burning buildings. If her bestie thinks you suck, you’ll have a better shot with Scarlett Johansson. This part of the process can be incredibly frustrating; because you know you could blow their minds if they would just give you a chance. To keep from losing it, just remember that this is how you make decisions too, everyone consults their brain trust. That’s why no matter how awful you secretly think her friends are, you need to make sure they love you.

So you’ve identified your lady’s bffs to start working your way into their hearts, and harassed all of your contacts in your chosen industry. You probably think you’re halfway home right? Don’t get cocky brah. Your resume and a trusted recommendation mean absolutely nothing when compared to a first impression. Anyone can look good on paper, these days you have to be entertaining in 3D. The first date has been compared to an interview ad nauseum, but here’s one more run through the concept. Both meetings are about sizing you up when you’re out of your element, trying to figure out where the exaggerations are in your resume, and deciding whether they like your face enough to see it every day.

It was just one kitten, not many boxes of puppies... I'm sorry

The key to this stage is to project confidence. I know, I know, easier said than done. The company is looking for someone worthy of a salary, and if you can’t even act like you can do the job, they won’t believe you’re capable of performing it. A classy lady is used to dudes that mumble compliments at her all night while smiling like an idiot and staring at their plate. If you act like her equal, you have a much better chance of her treating you that way. Plus, she can’t fall in love with your eyes if they’re locked onto your chicken.

Now you’ve had your first date and wowed her with your dazzling wit and sense of style. You also spent thirty minutes in a room with the CEO and didn’t soil yourself. You’re doing great, but you haven’t tasted victory yet have you? There’s still a good chance you can blow this, and the most common mistake in both cases revolves around communication. My favorite play, Courting 101, teaches us that, “interest is the death of attraction.” That’s why it is so important when you are going to call or text a hot girl to have a plan before hand. Beautiful women have the ability to disarm you and turn your buttery smooth natural charm into a slobbering stutter. Be prepared with something interesting, funny, or at least intelligent to say. Nothing will drive a smoking hottie away faster than the stench of desperation, and the most dangerously efficient way to deliver that aroma is a clingy text. Not even chocolates hand dipped in gold and wrapped in rose petals can erase this mistake.

(There is no picture of these because I just invented them)

In the business world, you want to go to the other extreme. Make a follow up phone call, send an email offering more references, or write a note thanking them for considering you. Do all of these things if you like, just make sure that your interest is obvious. This company needs to know that you’re serious about them, they’re looking for a real man and they’re not getting any younger.

I wish I could promise a happy ending for you if you follow my instructions. The fact of the matter is you’re going to face a lot of rejection.

Exhibit A: single and unemployed

People will consistently undervalue you; you have to make it your mission to change their perception. Don’t let failure discourage you, and believe me when I say that while she may have all the power now, the numbers are definitely on your side. There are thousands of jobs, and millions of girls. If you can’t find anyone in your general vicinity to take you, just remember the biggest similarity between good jobs and beautiful women… the internet is full of them.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week I AM NOT ADVOCATING THAT YOU ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE ANIMAL HACKS.

Addicting game of the Week all the fun of a game of Risk, without four hours of rolling dice.

Text From Last Night of the Week You gotta appreciate the little things in life.

Song of the Week this one really speaks to the soul crushing depression behind this post.

Random Fact of the Week I’m a giant Disney nerd and I didn’t know this. 

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week my favorite webcomic…. Full disclosure, it’s the only webcomic I know.

Taking Advice

So… Roughly ten minutes after I finished my first post, I found inspiration for this one. And by “found inspiration” I mean I cut the tip of my finger off while cooking breakfast. This is the tool of my demise:

Vicious right?

The point of this post is not the story of what happened, don’t worry you’ll still get to find out… but to start a  discussion about why it is so hard to just listen to the advice of other people. Sometimes it seems that the only way to learn is from human experience. I will share two stories from the past week that have proven this point to me.

For the first story, we have to start back at last Halloween. I went to a party in a good friend’s apartment at a small school in Pennsylvania. The party was awesome; I met some great and gorgeous people, and my costume killed. I went dressed as “The Most Interesting Man in the World”.

I know... nailed it

Two of the important pieces of the costume, and the story, are the full suit and a bottle of Dos Equis. After spending a few hours in a packed apartment wearing that full suit, I needed to go for a walk to cool down. I left the apartment and walked to the corner, then immediately came upon a cop car. Here is where that second element comes in, the beer bottle. The cops stepped out of the car and wrote me a ticket for an open container. Now there is a longer and more hilarious story here, and we can argue all day about the legitimacy of this ticket, but that’s not the point. The story really starts the next day when I attempted to pay said ticket.

I awoke wondering if it had all been a dream, only to come crashing back to reality when I found the citation in my pocket. I found out how to pay it and resolved to conquer my hangover and handle my business. I hit an ATM  and drove to the magistrate’s office to pay my $110 fine. I was informed that I would not be able to pay my ticket because they couldn’t accept my guilty plea. The city was in the process of updating their computer system and hadn’t uploaded the code for an open container ticket.

Unwilling to leave my money there in the hopes that someone on the crack staff at the magistrate’s office would remember it was from me, and not wanting to check every day to see if Pennsylvania had joined the information age, I was frustrated. The woman working the desk wiped my worries away by taking down my contact information and assuring me that I would be called as soon as the new system was up and running. Naively, I walked out of the office and happily drove home, wondering how long it would be before I spent this ear-marked $110.

Fast forward to June, I had never heard anything from the magistrate’s office and I believed them to be just incompetent enough to allow me to get lost in the paperwork. While at my graduation party I told the thrilling tale of how I had bested “the man” to my cousins. My brother-in-law overheard and said to me “Dude, I told you last year, you gotta pay that f-in ticket. Trust me man, the government never misses a chance to take your money.” I assured him that Pennsylvania “Got nothing on me!”

Pictured: Confidence

He insisted that I should at least call to find out if that were in fact the case. I finally got around to that chore last week. Imagine my surprise when the woman at the magistrate’s office informed me that they had not lost my ticket; and that due to my failure to pay the citation, there had been a bench warrant for my arrest posted since November.

Choosing to sacrifice the obvious sex appeal I had gained as a wanted man, I made all the necessary arrangements to end my time as a fugitive of the law (not that big a deal, basically my ticket ended up costing closer to $200). Once again there is a longer story here, but the point remains that I should have listened to my brother-in-law (and dad, mom, sister, etc…) and checked on the status of my ticket back in November. Instead, I hoped to get lucky and slip through the system. Is there something inherent in human DNA that makes us believe we are the exception to the rule? Or is it simply my own hubris that gets me in trouble?

Ancient Greeks, warning us about hubris since ancient Greece

Now for the sad story of how I disfigured myself over a potato. I woke up on America’s birthday at about 11 AM, why so late you ask? Because I’m unemployed and I get to stay up until three if I feel like it, that’s the sole advantage to being poor. I came downstairs, said “good morning” to my parents and logged into tumblr. After a final proof-reading of my inaugural post, I officially launched Machak’s Matrix. My dad was online shopping for a new tv so he asked me to cook breakfast. Those of you that know me the best know that breakfast is squarely in my wheelhouse. I can go as simple as a bowl of cereal, and as fancy as Eggs Benedict complete with hollandaise sauce… o yeah.

So I went to the kitchen and popped open the fridge. Based on the ingredients available I settled on the classic eggs, bacon, toast, and fried potatoes. Fried potatoes are the easiest way to make hash browns at home, plus I figured I’d get to play with my dad’s new kitchen toy: the aforementioned mandolin. My dad asked what I was making, I told him, and he gave me some sage advice. “If you’re going to use the mandolin, be very careful. It’s incredibly sharp, so be sure to use the safety guard.” I said “gotcha” or something equally smug and self-confident, and set up the mandolin.

Above: A slow learner

Looking at the potato and the safety guard, I decided it was impractical to try to slice the whole potato using it. I figured I could just put the guard on when I got closer to my hand. Everything started off great, I was slicing through the potato like a ninja turtle through a foot soldier; that is to say, very quickly and spouting snappy one-liners the whole time. My witty puns quickly turned to expletives when I severed more than the potato. Alerted by my cries, my parents came into the kitchen to investigate. After a richly deserved “I told you that thing was sharp”, my dad finished cooking breakfast while my mommy wrapped my finger in gauze.

Now in fairness to me I was planning on using the guard, I just thought I had another slice before it was necessary. Obviously, I miscalculated. The point of the story is that even a lesson as simple as “take every precaution to avoid mutilating yourself when cooking” is better understood when learned through your own experience.

These two short stories don’t even get into the classics like “Don’t take a gf/bf to college” or “Strippers don’t really like you” (kidding mom). Does anyone else have a story from their life in the same vein? Or am I alone here with the ancient Greeks? Hit that comment button and make me feel like less of an idiot.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week Harrison Ford is the lowest person on this list… you know there’s some impressive stuff coming.

Addicting game of the Week a game hard enough that you’ll feel accomplished if you win, and easy enough that you’ll be able to.

Text From Last Night of the Week an epic ego boost.

Song of the Week has been stuck in my head all week, and I like it.

Random Fact of the Week this man was dedicated to his craft.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week submitted by birthday girl Kristen Lautenschlager.

Prologue

For those of you who don’t know me, my name is Joey Machak. I am originally from Northern VA, I graduated from West by God Virginia, and I am looking forward to a day when I get to live at the beach.

So… why is it that a facebook page, twitter profile, and even an antiquated myspace (a clear window to my nerdy ass high school soul, a window which you will have to discover for yourself because hell no I’m not linking that here) are not enough of an online presence for me? Honestly, there probably isn’t a vital reason why I need to expand my electronic footprint. But, as evidenced by the fact that you’re reading this, that’s not going to stop me.

This space is going to be filled with something different every time I post. I’ll talk about movies, music, video games, tv shows, sports, diets, and exercise plans… really whatever I’m feeling passionate about. Sometimes it will just be my words, but there may be videos, pictures, or audio clips too. My goal is to entertain you, educate you, and enrich your day if not your life.

Basically, if you find me interesting, you should find this blog interesting. My aim is to post once a week, but I’m not going to limit myself to that. However, I will not post garbage just to meet my own deadline. With such a diverse mission statement, I’ve realized it is conceivable that you won’t be intrigued with the subject of every post I make. Just in case you happen to have such bad taste, I will include links each week that will guide you to some of the more amazing corners of the internet. Since you’ve been good enough to read this far, here’s the first edition of Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked article of the Week this is not the funniest article on Cracked, but it is one of my favorites.

Addicting game of the Week for all you vampire lovers out there.

Text From Last Night of the Week anybody else ever party this hard?

Song of the Week new Foo Fighters is always a good thing. Dave Grohl is truly one of God’s gifts to the universe.

Random fact of the Week sure they can fly, but what’s life without guacamole

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week to all the jokers still using Pandora… you’re welcome.

Finally, just let me say that this is no fun if it’s a one way street, so please comment on my original content or the links I provide. My favorite part of my major in school was conducting interviews, I love learning how and what other people think. Let me know what you agree or disagree with, love or hate, call my work moronic or masterful, I don’t care which as long as we’re communicating. Just remember, since my blog has the same birthday as the USA if you don’t read it the terrorists win…