Disclaimer: I’m a huge nerd. As such, I spend a lot of time thinking about superheroes. Over the life of this blog you’re going to read a lot of my thoughts on them, I’ll break up the mental manifesto that I have been formulating over the years into easier to digest pieces. In this edition, I’m going to break down a theory I came up with this week. I believe that all superheroes fall into one of three categories: heroes you wish you could be, heroes you think you could be, and heroes you really are. Now obviously I’m not asserting that any of my readers are secretly poisoned with gamma radiation and are going to throw their computer through the wall when they disagree with where I classify Wolverine; what I am saying is that there are a lot of people out there who can identify with a quiet man who constantly struggles to deal with the monster he becomes when he can’t control his rage. I’m going to try my best to prove this theory to you, and I’m not even going to make you answer a stupid survey question on facebook.
If you think back about fifteen years, before the comic book summer blockbuster boom, who would you say were the three most popular superheroes? It’s pretty clear to me that Superman, Batman, and Spider-Man were far above the rest of the superfolk. Now it’s too early in this column to start a “who are the best superheroes” fight, I know everyone had their own less profitable favorites: Iron Man, The Flash, and Captain America to name a few. Really the only thing we all agreed on was that Aquaman sucked.
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| Psh… Aquaman. Source: DcComics.com |
But if you’re being honest with yourself, I think it’s hard to argue with my top three up there. They all had commercially successful/critically acclaimed cartoons, Spider-Man had been running in your newspaper since 1977, and Superman and Batman each had four movies already. (Stop pretending you don’t remember Superman IV or the Joel Schumacher era of Bat-suit nipples, if we pretend that these atrocities never occurred then we are opening the door for history to repeat itself!) There’s a reason that these three heroes climbed to the apex of marketability. I believe it’s because each of these characters perfectly exemplifies one of the three categories of my theory.
Superman is the poster boy for “heroes you wish you could be”. He’s from another planet, he has an iconic costume/symbol, he’s damn near invincible, and his list of other powers and abilities drives to the borderline of absurd, pees on it, takes pictures, laughs, and continues straight on through to Canada. He has an ice palace with the incredibly awesome name “The Fortress of Solitude”. He stands for truth, justice, and the American way, how badass a slogan is that? When he is being Clark Kent, he has a job as an ace reporter at the world’s biggest newspaper and a smoking hot/hyper intelligent (except for the whole can’t recognize him through glasses thing) girlfriend in one of the best known female characters in the history of comics, Lois Lane. Ignoring everything else, the last son of Krypton can fly! That has got to be the number one wished for superpower from every little kid in the history of forever. Other than his code of ethics, none of his attributes are even remotely attainable.
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| Got that "S" on my chest |
Batman has always been a pop culture icon, and his status is at an all-time high thanks to Christopher Nolan’s gritty reboot. But it’s not the special effects or Oscar worthy performances that draw people to this character; it’s the silent belief that if you had the resources, you could totally be the Dark Knight. His massive wealth has allowed him to become the ultimate vigilante, but other than the head start of a mountainous trust fund, there is no difference between him and us. What makes him the “hero who you think you could be” and not the “hero you really are” is the lifestyle of his secret identity; billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne. This guy spends his days wining and dining at expensive charity galas and chatting up models, and his nights beating the fear of God into the scum of Gotham. Sometimes after a long day of being awesome, he gets to shack up with freaking Catwoman! Unfortunately, the average comic book reader doesn’t have access to billions of dollars. They couldn’t go toe to toe with a drunk in a bar fight, much less the super powered rogue’s gallery that the caped crusader faces off against every issue. And let’s stop pretending that anyone can operate on the eight minutes of sleep that is apparently all Bruce Wayne needs to kick ass in both the “private sector” and the public eye.
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| Plus he ALWAYS has the coolest car |
Spider-Man is a different kind of story. Many of these differences are what I believe makes Peter Parker the character that the most people can really identify with. Now you might be thinking “Wait a second Joey, you’re telling me that a teenager that was bitten by a radioactive spider which fundamentally changed his DNA and granted him many of said spider’s abilities is more like me than Batman? You’re full of crap, and you know what else? I hate you. I shant waste any more of my precious internet on your blog.” Well please hear me out, and stop saying that you hate me; it hurts my feelings.
It’s not about the wall-crawler’s powers. Who among us will ever know what it feels like to swing through the New York City skyline, climb the outside of a one hundred story building, or even the simple joy of trading blows with a vicious arch nemesis? Spider-Man is the greatest example of the “heroes that you really are” because of the real world challenges he faces. Yes, Lex Luthor and The Joker along with the rest of the deviants and evildoers that Superman and Batman take down are great adversaries, but for the most part that’s all they face. They don’t have any “real” problems. At the end of the day Bruce goes back to Wayne manor, and Kal-El doesn’t even have to eat! For all their trials in the field, they get to leave their problems at the door so to speak.
When Spider-Man gets done beating Venom down with his fists of fury and snappy one liners, he crawls back to a tiny apartment. When he wakes up the next day he goes to a job where he gets paid (poorly) to give pictures of himself (as Spidey) to J. Jonah Jameson, a boss that belittles him (Peter) and who plans on using those pictures to turn the public against him (Webhead again). On top of all of that, when he takes off the mask, Peter is just as likely to run into one of the supervillains who torment him. His list of enemies has included: his best friend’s dad, his best friend, a rival photographer, and one of his college professors.
The comic also focuses a lot of time on where Peter comes from. He was a lonely loser in high school; he got bullied and beaten up and he wasn’t good with women. It never got easier for him, despite his natural intelligence. He struggles in college because of his difficulties balancing his studies and his responsibilities as Spider-Man. Underneath it all, he’s just a kid who is struggling with life like the rest of us.
By this point you’ve probably guessed that Spider-Man is my favorite hero. So why am I so enamored with this depressing story about a man who can’t even win at life with super powers? Because like all great stories, this one is really about hope. Even though life keeps kicking him in the teeth, Peter Parker’s strength of will, and his core belief that “with great power comes great responsibility” won’t let him stay down. Of course, it helps that your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man gets to call Mary Jane Watson his girlfriend. I think that’s really why he’s my favorite, I love watching the nerd with a secret inner strength get a shot with the girl of his dreams.
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| I’d save the world for that. Source: Marvel.com |
Machak’s Six (SEVEN SUPER LINKS) Mix:
Cracked Article of the Week let’s hope Hollywood quits while it’s ahead and we never see these plots on the silver screen.
Addicting game of the Week super plants? I don’t know… it’s 3:30AM and this game rocks. Thank Kristen Lautenschalger for this submission.
Text from Last Night of the Week I can’t explain how badly I want to do this.
Song of the Week come on… like you didn’t know this was coming.
Random Fact of the Week this is super depressing…
Surprise Awesomeness of the Week in honor of the Cap’s new movie, once again brought to you by Kristen Lautenschlager.
Bonus Surprise Awesomeness of the Week since you all have been so cool about me being late this week. Credit Sean Cutright for finding this one.
SUPER BONUS MATERIAL ALERT: I will be adding another post later this week where I classify many of your favorite heroes according to my theory. Then let the debate begin!!!
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