Having spent the majority of my time since graduation trying to find a job, and the majority of my life trying to date above my head, I’ve noticed some undeniable similarities between the two chase scenes that fill my day.
This guide is not for people willing to settle for a job waiting tables, or the first girl they meet. It’s about getting something that truly fulfills you, and someone who makes you smile when you wake up in the morning. Knowing who is looking for love is easy in this day and age. Companies do you the favor of putting up job postings, but like a gorgeous girl with her relationship status set to single, just because you’re both available doesn’t mean hooking up is a foregone conclusion. When chasing a perfect ten, you’re going to have to make the first move. Like any self-respecting business woman, you ain’t gonna hear any more from her until you send in a resume.
As with any other object of desire, you are not going to be the only one pursuing the career/hottie of your choice. Remember, there’s always a bigger fish. In this case the fish is someone with more experience who is willing to work for less pay; or a dude with a better chassis (physique or car, you choose). If you’re dealing with a company who is filling the position from a large enough pool of applicants, you might not even hear back from them. A girl out of your league will have enough suitors that if you aren’t offering something particularly interesting, she won’t bother returning your missed call.
So take a moment to consider your resume. As Napoleon Dynamite said, “Girls only want boyfriends who have great skills.”
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| I cook, I clean, I sing, I dance... Ladies, what else do you want? |
At first this might seem like a significant challenge to your happiness, but think about it man, you’ve been stock piling skills since you were born. Seriously, that’s all you’ve done for your entire life up until this point. You’ve learned to walk, talk, poop on the potty, read, write, ride a bike, drive a car, and most importantly drink. Those are just the basics; some of you have even learned how to kiss. And when it comes to your career, you went to four years of college to gain relevant skills remember?
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| No, because of the drinking... |
Unfortunately, while a solid resume will bring you to the door, the people who know somebody on the other side are the ones that usually get to see it open. You can graduate cum laude, have two CEOs on your list of references, and more than a year’s worth of practical experience (like me), but you’re still just a name and a word document in a full inbox. You have a much better chance of getting an interview if you know a guy who knows a guy, that’s just the way things work. This is just as true in the dating game. Let’s say you spend your weekends at the children’s hospital teaching blind orphans how to paint, and you stop on your way home to rescue boxes of puppies from burning buildings. If her bestie thinks you suck, you’ll have a better shot with Scarlett Johansson. This part of the process can be incredibly frustrating; because you know you could blow their minds if they would just give you a chance. To keep from losing it, just remember that this is how you make decisions too, everyone consults their brain trust. That’s why no matter how awful you secretly think her friends are, you need to make sure they love you.
So you’ve identified your lady’s bffs to start working your way into their hearts, and harassed all of your contacts in your chosen industry. You probably think you’re halfway home right? Don’t get cocky brah. Your resume and a trusted recommendation mean absolutely nothing when compared to a first impression. Anyone can look good on paper, these days you have to be entertaining in 3D. The first date has been compared to an interview ad nauseum, but here’s one more run through the concept. Both meetings are about sizing you up when you’re out of your element, trying to figure out where the exaggerations are in your resume, and deciding whether they like your face enough to see it every day.
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| It was just one kitten, not many boxes of puppies... I'm sorry |
The key to this stage is to project confidence. I know, I know, easier said than done. The company is looking for someone worthy of a salary, and if you can’t even act like you can do the job, they won’t believe you’re capable of performing it. A classy lady is used to dudes that mumble compliments at her all night while smiling like an idiot and staring at their plate. If you act like her equal, you have a much better chance of her treating you that way. Plus, she can’t fall in love with your eyes if they’re locked onto your chicken.
Now you’ve had your first date and wowed her with your dazzling wit and sense of style. You also spent thirty minutes in a room with the CEO and didn’t soil yourself. You’re doing great, but you haven’t tasted victory yet have you? There’s still a good chance you can blow this, and the most common mistake in both cases revolves around communication. My favorite play, Courting 101, teaches us that, “interest is the death of attraction.” That’s why it is so important when you are going to call or text a hot girl to have a plan before hand. Beautiful women have the ability to disarm you and turn your buttery smooth natural charm into a slobbering stutter. Be prepared with something interesting, funny, or at least intelligent to say. Nothing will drive a smoking hottie away faster than the stench of desperation, and the most dangerously efficient way to deliver that aroma is a clingy text. Not even chocolates hand dipped in gold and wrapped in rose petals can erase this mistake.
(There is no picture of these because I just invented them)
In the business world, you want to go to the other extreme. Make a follow up phone call, send an email offering more references, or write a note thanking them for considering you. Do all of these things if you like, just make sure that your interest is obvious. This company needs to know that you’re serious about them, they’re looking for a real man and they’re not getting any younger.
I wish I could promise a happy ending for you if you follow my instructions. The fact of the matter is you’re going to face a lot of rejection.
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| Exhibit A: single and unemployed |
People will consistently undervalue you; you have to make it your mission to change their perception. Don’t let failure discourage you, and believe me when I say that while she may have all the power now, the numbers are definitely on your side. There are thousands of jobs, and millions of girls. If you can’t find anyone in your general vicinity to take you, just remember the biggest similarity between good jobs and beautiful women… the internet is full of them.
Machak’s Six Mix:
Cracked Article of the Week I AM NOT ADVOCATING THAT YOU ATTEMPT ANY OF THESE ANIMAL HACKS.
Addicting game of the Week all the fun of a game of Risk, without four hours of rolling dice.
Text From Last Night of the Week You gotta appreciate the little things in life.
Song of the Week this one really speaks to the soul crushing depression behind this post.
Random Fact of the Week I’m a giant Disney nerd and I didn’t know this.
Surprise Awesomeness of the Week my favorite webcomic…. Full disclosure, it’s the only webcomic I know.
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