Things I don't Understand

Dear Internet,

I haven’t been neglecting you, I haven’t found a younger/hotter form of entertainment, and I promise I never stopped thinking about you. I can honestly say it’s not you, it’s me. I have a problem I don’t fully understand, and it’s one of the few problems left in this world that we don’t have a pill for. You see, I have writer’s block. It’s one of those things that I’ve heard about, but I never really thought it would happen to me. I swear all I wanted to do was talk to you about it. I can’t tell you how many times I started to write you, but nothing I put on paper came out the way I wanted. I can’t get over it, I can’t get around it, and I haven’t been able to plow through it.  All that is left is to try again to lift it, and walk right out from underneath it. I’ve been playing Sisyphus my whole life, I see no reason why I can’t climb the mountain one more time.

Literal “story” of my life. Source.

When a baseball player is trying to break a slump, the best thing that they can do is get back to the fundamentals of hitting. Well the fundamental idea behind this blog was that I would write it on whatever I was feeling the most passionate about during that given week. This week I’m passionate about my own confusion. What I mean is that I’ve been fixated on a few things, (like my writer’s block) that I really don’t understand. I’m going to dissect these issues here, and maybe I’ll come across some comprehension.

I believe that Adam Sandler is a comedic genius. He’s made four movies I could watch any time and never get sick of: Happy Gilmore, The Wedding Singer, Big Daddy, and The Waterboy. Not to mention his Symphony #9, Billy Madison, which I’ve watched at least 100 times (my oldest friends will remember my AIM screen name was shamp00isb3tta). Those are just the movies that I won’t listen to any arguments against. If you don’t like those five movies, you have bad taste. Fine, I’ll back down from that claim, but you probably don’t have the kind of personality that I like to associate myself with. On top of his hit list, I also enjoyed these fine films: Air Heads, Mr. Deeds, Anger Management, 50 First Dates, The Longest Yard, and You Don’t Mess with the Zohan. Throw in his time on SNL and you have a comedic career that stacks up with the best of them. So why is this happening?

Seriously man… Source.

My initial reaction to the commercial for this atrocity was disappointment. After swallowing my disgust, I decided to give it a chance. After all, I had a similar gut instinct about Grown-Ups, and that turned out to be a pretty funny movie. But then I remembered that every time one of my favorite comedians has put on a dress, it has been a disaster. He can’t need the money. If he did, he’d stop dumping cash into David Spade, Rob Schneider, and most recently Nick Swardson’s ill thought out projects. It’s not even like it was the only idea he had for this year; he put out Just Go with It in February. (By the way, one of the funniest movies of this year, and further proof that Jen Aniston is still a smoking hottie!) I don’t understand why this movie got made, unless the rest of his posse just needed another paycheck.

Any of these guys look familiar? Seriously… They’re in almost every one of his movies. Source.

The other confusing image burned into my brain, aside from Sandler in a dress, was something I saw in the locker room at the gym. Don’t worry it’s not what you’re thinking… it was on a half naked dude. Oh, that was what you were thinking? Well then let me clarify, it was on the top half. From the front, this man looked like an extra from a movie about office drones. The guy was so nondescript, so average looking, that he’d make Tony Romo stand out in a crowd.

My sister says if he looked any more plain, he wouldn’t exist. Source.

But then he turned around, and his befuddling upper back came into view. In between his shoulder blades was a tattoo of a five inch by three inch rectangle. Inscribed within said rectangle were these words: “I AM YOUR GOD”. Now that image would be jarring enough on its own; but not six inches from the most audacious claim put to ink in the history of man, was the image of one Woody Woodpecker. (In  Technicolor!) I’m not saying I don’t understand tattoos. I don’t have any myself because I’ve never thought of anything that was important enough to me to have it permanently etched onto my body; but I have friends that have them and I get it. The point is I’m not here to question his getting a tattoo; I’m here to question getting THESE tattoos. Look, I can even see getting one or the other… but both? I can’t think of a personality type that is best described by an aggressively sacrilegious statement, coupled with a wacky cartoon bird.

One of these things is not like the other. Source.

I don’t understand why bars are fun. Every bar I’ve ever been dragged to has been packed with people who appear to be enjoying themselves, but the attraction completely eludes me. I’ve even tried to break the experience down into its base elements, but that just confuses me more. The main things that bars seem to have going for them are an excess of beautiful women, alcohol, music, and dancing. If I want to drink I can do that for a much lower cost (and in more comfortable clothing) at home, or at least at a house party. If I want to listen to music it sure as hell won’t be club beats. And if I want to dance, I’ve probably just scored a touchdown. The only piece of the puzzle left is the surplus of beautiful women. Unfortunately, I also don’t understand how you’re supposed to interact with girls at a bar. It’s never like the movies, when a gorgeous girl is sitting at the bar alone waiting for the first brave soul to try to woo her. Girls are always in packs of at least three. Even if I’m at a bar with two friends, it’s highly unlikely we’ll agree on who gets to talk to which girl; it’s even less likely that one of us will have an opening line worth shit. If by some miracle I get a girls attention at a bar, it’s always way too loud to talk to her. Since I’m much funnier than I am pretty… this tends to be where I get stuck.

What? Do I just yell YOU’RE PRETTY!!! Until she makes out with me? How do you people do this? Source.

I don’t understand why the most important part of the human experience is also the most fragile. Our relationships with other people are what separates us from the rest of the animals on this planet. Don’t you adorable chain mail forwarders dare jump in and tell me about all the animals in this Cracked Article… Let’s be honest here, those animals are the exception, not the rule. In the animal kingdom, if I was your rival and you could kill me, 99.9% of the time you’re gonna kill me. Empathy, compassion, love, the softer emotions are what make us human. They’re the reason the preceding sentences would cause the Humane society to sponsor a boycott of my blog, if my blog was important enough to boycott. They’re how we connect with each other. So why are those connections so damn breakable? I’ve lost friends over distance, IN THE INFORMATION AGE! When I can literally send an INSTANT message to someone, I’ve lost friends because we didn’t share the same geographical space for too long. People who had a profound impact on me during my formative years are now completely absent from my life. People who I counted as my closest friends for a quarter of my life or longer have no idea who I am today.

The most interesting relationships, (and most fragile) are the ones that I understand the least: the connections with women my age. I’m not trying to be rude or condescending, I’m making the honest statement that I don’t know what motivates them, (You? If you’re a woman my age reading this throw me a bone maybe?) and I can’t put myself in their shoes. I believe the reason that I’ve had so much trouble understanding how girls my age act, is that early 20 something women are actually under-represented in Hollywood. Most female characters in movies and TV shows are teenage girls or women in their 30’s. But there is a HUGE difference between a kid fresh out of college, and someone who is ready to start a family. TV and movies have taught me is that if a guy wants to commit to a girl, her girlfriends are most likely planning a parade in honor of her victory. But that’s just not where most women my age are. They still want to play the field, a game that up until recently I had no idea women willingly participated in. Pop culture taught me that every girl in the world wants something serious, but this past month I watched three seemingly rock solid relationships fall apart, all because the guy wanted a stronger commitment from the girl. Olivia Munn recently talked with Craig Ferguson about this very phenomenon.

Skip to the 6:55 min mark to hear her agree with me, or watch the whole thing because she’s awesome. Source.

My biggest comfort is that I’m not the only one who is lost. I’ve had conversations with my friends about how to fix the economy that I felt we made more progress during than the times we’ve tried to figure out women. I’m assuming that eventually I’ll work it out, men and women have been getting together for awhile now I hear. But I wonder if the breakthrough will come because I’ve figured out girls my age, or because we’ll both change as we grow older until our differences soften.

One day Scarlett, one day… Source.

By the way, this was by no means an exhaustive list of the things I don’t understand. Heres just a few more topics that I’ve been bouncing around in my head:

Why do people drink Scotch?

Why do people hate Tim Tebow?

Why are there so damn many spiders in Florida?

How do you get a job as a sports announcer?

What is cool about tinted windows on cars?

Is there a good way to ask if a passive aggressive status or tweet is about you?

Why won’t the Dolphin’s let Steve Slaton carry the ball?

Why have I had such a horrendous year in fantasy sports?

Why can’t I stop eating peanut butter?

Why didn’t I know how awesome hockey was until last year?

Why won’t my car stop dying?

And most frustratingly, why can’t WVU do anything right on special teams????

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week you’ll never look at Mario vs. Bowser the same again.

Addicting game of the Week have you figured out that I like puzzle games yet?

Text From Last Night of the Week one of my lady friends needs to sign up to do this with me now! I want my plan for next year made today.

Song of the Week I thought this was appropriate. What do you guys think? Did I “get through this” slump?

Random Fact of the Week I’m a baseball nut and I didn’t know this.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week one of the many reasons I love the Cap.

The Gym

I’ve had an on again off again relationship with the gym since I was 15. That’s when Josh Lucas saved my life by convincing me to play on the freshman lacrosse team with him. That spring I lost thirty pounds and turned from a pumpkin back into a real boy, like the love child of Cinderella and Pinocchio. Since then I’ve gone through periods of extreme discipline where I worked out twice a day and kept a 1200 calorie diet; and binges where I ate fast food for a week straight, and the only sport I played was Madden. After bellying up to within fifteen pounds of my heaviest ever, I’ve spent the last month on an exercise kick. Since my return to pumping iron, I have rediscovered all the things that I love about the gym, and the things that I hate.

Not nearly as many calories burned as the hours wasted. Source.

THINGS I LOVE

I love how going to the gym makes me feel. Working out always gives me an overwhelming sense of accomplishment. If you go in with a workout plan, you are constantly meeting goals; from improving specific muscle groups, down to individual sets and reps. The more consistently I work out the better it gets, because eventually I meet weight and clothing size goals as well. And I know I’m not the only one who enjoys the after burn of a great workout. I don’t know if it’s because of a psychological link that gets created between muscle fatigue and success, or if it’s just human nature; but I’m always happy when I’m sore. The gym gives you a place where you can “hurt so good” and stay clothed. That thought leads us to the biggest perk of all, endorphins. For those of you who skipped biology, endorphins are the chemicals that get released into your brain to distract you when you’re in pain or eating spicy food; or to reward you for having sex. I’ve never left the gym thinking “Why did I work out? Now I’m stuck with all these damn endorphins for the next few hours….”

The cobra stretch confuses sex and working out almost as badly as endorphins. Source.

I love how going to the gym makes me look. The number one reason why people work out is to lose weight. Whether they’re obese and trying to make a lifestyle change, or just want to drop ten pounds before beach season; the average consumer will spend about $500 on gym memberships this year. Don’t expect me to condemn that expense, I contribute to that statistic. Like it or not, in our society it’s not just what’s on the inside that counts. It’s been my experience that even if you have an amazing personality, if you’ve wrapped that personality in bacon… you’re sleeping alone. When I’m working out consistently, my shirts are looser in the middle and tighter in the arms. In fact, even in the places I’m still stubbornly flabby; I think the fat hangs better. It doesn’t matter if I’ve only dropped five pounds, my self-image gets much sexier, and that makes both my self-esteem and self-confidence sky rocket.

Personality is literally the only thing that people won’t accept when its bacon wrapped. Source.

I love the escape I get when I’m working out. For an hour every day you can let your mind go completely blank, and focus solely on whatever exercises you want to do; unless you’re a complete psychopath and make yourself watch the news while you’re on the treadmill. One of the best parts of my escape is that I get to really listen to music. I usually have something on in the background all day, but I don’t get to lose myself in the music. Obviously because that would be detrimental to whatever tasks I’m trying to accomplish. However, at the gym that distraction can help me run further than I would normally be able to. Without music, all I would have to focus on is the tremendous pain in my legs and abdomen that running inspires.

THINGS I HATE

I hate working on abs. Every abdominal exercise I know puts stress on either you neck, back, or ass. That wouldn’t be such a big problem, except everyone gets so awkward whenever I try to start a massage train on the mats. Also, there’s no attractive way to work on your abs. I mean if you have a twelve pack, or however many abs the sexy people have nowadays, I’m sure you look good planking… but I don’t. They’re the most frustrating muscle group to work on because until you’re in great shape you won’t be able to see any improvement, even if you are making progress.

I hate how fast your body builds up a tolerance to exercise. It only takes about a month for your body to get used to an exercise routine, and when that happens, you start to see diminished results. That’s waaaaay faster than even your tolerance for alcohol can be raised. The pseudoscientific strategy that programs like P90X use to combat this is called “muscle confusion”. It’s less of a big secret, and more of an extremely detailed and varied exercise plan. But P90X is incredibly difficult, which is why I write blog posts on the internet, instead of modeling my abs. The best way I’ve found to keep my muscles good and disoriented, is to mix in swimming and basketball with more traditional workouts like lifting and good old fashioned running.

Damn you Tony Horton. Source.

Finally, I hate all the other people at the gym. They’re the only thing that can drag me back from my aforementioned escape. Most often this is the 1000 year old woman pretending to use the back extension machine, or the frat guys benching all damn day, or the forty freaking kids in the pool wiping out five lap lanes. But I especially hate whoever it is at the gym that makes the equipment decisions. Listen, I get that the 100lb dumbbell looks really cool, but who in the hell uses it? Maybe we take the money for all the weights in the set over 75lbs and reinvest it in the 20lb-45lb range. I want to live in a world where I don’t have to pretend to do squats while I wait on the thirty pound dumbbells; which are ALWAYS FREAKING GONE WHEN IM JUST TRYING TO DO MY LAST SET OF BICEP CURLS AND GO HOME.   

Quick tangent: I never got into Resident Evil, or any of the other big zombie killing games growing up. There are many theories circulating my group of friends as to why, but the most popular one is that I have lady bits… go figure. I finally understood when Dead Rising came out. Part of the allure is the creativity behind firing golf balls into the oncoming horde, but it’s really an escapist fantasy that lets you kill people. It’s not that my generation is made up entirely of sociopaths; it’s that we have no outlet outside of sports for our natural violent tendencies. Zombie games, and probably most first person shooters now that I think about it, are really just a release for our impotent nerd rage. I didn’t get the earlier games because I don’t have a lot of frustrating memories of other people in creepy old houses, but I loved Dead Rising because another place I hate everyone is at the mall. The point of this side bar is that I’d love to see a Dead Rising game that’s set in a gym. I would really like to try to figure out how to kill a zombie/roidfreak with a rowing machine. Please internet, make this happen for me.

Zombieland was on the edge of my tolerance for gross things, but I will play this game literally all night. Source.

Though the things I hate about the gym may be more concrete than the things I love, I really do believe the positives outweigh the negatives. Hopefully I can stick with my current exercise plan, then one day I’ll write a column on the six things I love the most about my abs… see what I did there.

Machak’s S(even)ix Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week is chock full of legendary slams.

Addicting game of the Week if you can figure out the controls, I remember this game being aggressively awesome.

Text From Last Night of the Week guys… we gotta stop with the abbreviations, seriously.

Song of the Week, one of the best tracks off the new album.

Random Fact of the Week makes me really appreciate the lengths women will go to look good.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week is more proof that Dave Grohl is the living embodiment of awesome.

Since this post is so very late, I’ll throw in a little extra to the mix. I’m going to tell you guys the quick morning workout I designed in high school. If you can do it twice in fifteen minutes, congratulations you are now ready to join the Oakton High School Junior Varsity Wrestling team. But seriously, it really works your abs and I’ve watched much better looking people than me struggle to get through it.

45 sec plank
15 leg lifts
12 Push-ups
25 obliques, each side
12 Sit-ups
15 Push-ups
12 Sit-ups
25 obliques, each side
12 Push-ups
15 leg lifts
45 sec plank

Two minute break and repeat.

Enjoy.

Never Forget

I’m warning you right now, you’re not gonna like this one. I won’t be upset if you click away right now. This is not what you’ve come to expect from me. There are no funny captions for pictures, it’s not uplifting, and there’s no witty commentary. It’s not what you wanted from me after I took last week off, and it’s not what you need to brighten your day. It’s what I needed. More than anything this blog has been a refuge for me the last couple months. It has allowed me to feel that I’ve contributed to the world in some meaningful way, despite the fact that I’m single, unemployed, and living at home. Once again, I’m going to use this space to throw my thoughts into the internet, and hope that simple act proves cathartic.

9/11 blows. Whenever we get close to that specific date I get bummed. It was unequivocally the worst American tragedy in my life time. No single event, aside from my birth, has affected my life so thoroughly. The worst part is that I’m still not over it. At this point, I don’t think I ever will be. In fact, it’s like I’m not allowed to; the slogan for one of the worst days of my life is “Never Forget”.  I HATE that, I don’t know what sentiment I’d prefer the nation had adopted for 9/11, but “Never Forget” seems ridiculous. How could anyone old enough to remember that day ever forget?  People in my parent’s generation talk about how they know where they were when JFK was shot, or Lennon, but is their location all that they remember? Every second of that day, since the moment we were told, is burned into my brain.

It was 11:35 in the morning on September the 11^th 2001, and I was sitting is Mrs. Outland’s 7^th grade math class at Rachel Carson Middle School. If it was any other day at 11:35 I would probably have been pissy just knowing that I was sitting in Mrs. Outland’s room. She was this comically fat black woman that I really hated because she couldn’t remember my name to save her life. In fact, she gave me detention once for ignoring her, even though the reason I wasn’t looking up when she asked me a question was that she kept asking Doug to answer it. For those of you unaware, my name is Joey, or Joe back in 7^th grade. But on September 11^th, at 11:35 it suddenly didn’t matter to me where I was. The principal had just come over the intercom and asked the teachers to turn on the TVs in their rooms. While Mrs. Outland waddled over to the corner with the TV, the disembodied voice told us that earlier this morning there had been terrorist attacks on the World Trade Center in New York City, and the Pentagon in Washington D.C.

A lot of kids had parents that worked in the city with Fairfax County being so close to the District, but I was especially concerned. For the past few months my dad had been working on a government contract, and he was stationed in the Pentagon. At first I wasn’t too scared, the Pentagon is a gigantic structure. But when we saw the first images of the damage, my heart started to pound. A few other kids and I tried to leave the classroom to go to the office and call our parents, (2001 was as simpler time, a time before middle school kids had cell phones) but Outland wouldn’t let us go; she had been instructed by the principal to not let kids leave the room. At this point I started getting angry. I was angry that they wouldn’t let us make a simple damn phone call. As the reporter started to run through the timeline of the events, I got angry that they hidden the news from us for TWO hours. They had no right in my mind to keep this from us. I understand now that they were trying to keep us from going into a panic for as long as possible, but at the time I was just furious. Then I had a sinking feeling in my stomach, if it had happened over two hours ago, why hadn’t I heard from either of my parents?

One of the teachers with a free period came through the classrooms and got all the kids with parents in the city to follow her to the library. From there we took turns trying all the numbers we knew to get in touch with our parents. It was very slow going, one of the scarier effects the attacks had on the country was the way our communication system got overloaded. I sat for what felt like days trying to keep my composure and rationalize how my dad must have survived. In reality it could not have been more than half an hour before the school finally got a message from my mom telling me that my dad was ok. The wave of relief that crashed over me was so powerful that I hugged the librarian and smiled until my face hurt. I walked down to the cafeteria and ate the best tasting french fries of my life. A short while later, my neighbor Mrs. Hirsch showed up at school to bring her daughter Allie home, and my mom had asked her to take me with her. The whole trip home I was euphoric, convinced of the presence of God, and reveling in my personal miracle.

When we pulled in front of my house I saw my dad in the front doorway, and I ran up to him so fast I don’t think that I remembered to thank Mrs. Hirsch for the ride. The moment I reached my dad, I succumbed to the most powerful emotions I have ever felt. I hugged him, buried my face in his chest, and bawled for ten minutes. Physically holding the man I thought I had lost forever brought back the fear that I had felt ten times over, and that gut wrenching fear alternated with a sense of relief just as strong. Just typing out the sequence of events has my hands shaking and my throat clenched. For awhile he just hugged me back and let me cry, but he finally got me to calm down by saying “I’m ok pal”. We went into the house and just sat on the couch watching the news for five solid hours. When the footage of the burning wall of the Pentagon popped up, my dad pointed to the area less than ten windows from the hole and said, “That’s my office”.

In the following days the news would tell all sorts of miracle stories about people who decided to go in late, or went a different way to work, or happened to be in the bathroom instead of being where they were supposed to be, inside the fireball. I didn’t have to watch the news though, my Dad had his own story. He was about to head to a conference room for a meeting but decided to check his stocks before going down. When he pulled up the website, he saw the news about the World Trade Center. Instead of going to his meeting he clicked around to get more details; that’s when he heard, and felt, the plane hit. Everyone who went to the meeting was killed; the conference room was damn near the center of the blast.

The news played the footage of the plane crashing into the second tower on what seemed like an infinite loop. With each repetition, I got angrier and more confused. I will never understand how the men who attacked us justified their actions in their minds, but back then there was an extra level to the confusion. I didn’t understand why. What were they trying to prove? What did they think they would gain? How did they think we would react?

Of course, the one positive that came from 9/11 was our reaction as a nation. We were galvanized by the tragedy, united in a way that I had never seen up until that point. Physical, financial, and emotional support flowed from the country to New York City, and our wounded capital. Pride, reverence, and love flowed to the field in Pennsylvania where one group of hostages managed to take back control, offering their lives to save thousands more. American flags hung from every home, and our government worked efficiently and effectively to help those in need, and to start searching for those responsible for the damage that was done.

I guess when people say “Never Forget” that’s what they’re talking about, the great “American Spirit” that was reborn that day. But what I can’t forget is everything we lost. The thousands of people, and the thousands more affected by their loss. Our sense of safety, and everything that went with it. I’m not talking about the extra two hours it takes to get on a plane now, I’m talking about all the soldiers we’ve lost fighting two different wars in the hopes of killing an idea. Not to mention the destruction of our economy thanks in part to our massive defense budget. Also, even though it may not matter on a grand scale, I lost my innocence that day. From then on I could no longer believe that we were invincible, that America had some sort of aura that kept us all safe. Finally, I had learned first-hand that sometimes evil wins. And honestly, that’s something I’d really love to forget.

My thoughts and prayers are with those affected, always. Source.

Machak’s Six Mix:                                                                                    

I’m going non-traditional on this too. All six things are in this one link, the Huffington Post put together a list of “Comedic First Responders”. These are the first editions Letterman, The Daily Show, Conan, The Onion, SNL, and South Park put out after 9/11. They’re all inspiring and funny, so pick the one you love the best and enjoy.

Secret Truths of Adulthood

While I was growing up, I realized at some point that we cross secret checkpoints for maturity. Like when I started high school, I was really starting to become an adult. When I started college, my parents started treating me like an adult. Finally, when I was getting close to graduating from college, I actually felt like an adult. No, there wasn’t one triumphant moment when I stood up in class and said, “From henceforth let it be known that I am a Man!” What I’m saying is I started to realize that people I looked at as “adults” were treating me more like an equal. Also, kids in high school started calling me sir.

There are a lot of cool things about being an adult. For instance, you can have candy for breakfast and no one can say shit. On the flipside, people stop complimenting you for doing things correctly, you’re just expected to be successful. All in all, I think it’s a pretty fair trade. But while I’ve been busy getting used to all the new freedoms and responsibilities I’ve gained since graduation; I’ve noticed a few other “secret truths of adulthood” which have really surprised me.

The first “secret truth of adulthood” I’ve come across is that jerks usually don’t grow out of being jerks. When I was little, adults were always very careful to be polite to each other in front of me. People that I’d later find out hated each other had seemed like the best of friends. My parents were incredibly gifted at this. Because of their acting skills, I thought all adults were basically good people, you know unless they were criminals.

Either I was lucky to have adults in my life that wanted me to believe in the best in people, or video games really do affect our perception of the real world.

But the truth is, the jerks you knew in high school are most likely the douchebags you knew in college; and the diploma doesn’t come with a new personality. The same kid that wouldn’t help with the group project is now the guy who plays with his iPhone all day at work.  And honestly, why are we always surprised when a professional athlete turns out to be a sucky person? Those guys are just the entitled jocks you hated in high school, but bigger and even more fervently enabled. In retrospect, this first truth really shouldn’t have been a surprise, but a disappointment.

Probably not Mr. Congeniality. Source.

In contrast, this next “secret truth” was a HUGE surprise to me. Last week I was picking some stuff up at Target, and when I was on my way out of the store someone caught my eye. I only got a glimpse of her, and I hadn’t seen her face, but I was about seventy percent sure a porn star had just walked past me. This girl was wearing jean shorts that were riding so high you could almost call them a thong, and her plain white t-shirt had a V so deep you could almost see her belly button. Now I’m not usually a go getter when it comes to women, but I needed to see if I had just crossed paths with an “actress”. Well, I didn’t. As I stood rooted to the spot, gawking with my tongue out, the girl turned around. I literally gagged as I realized this ridiculously hot, and skankily dressed, “woman” could not have been sixteen.  After recovering from the initial shock, I walked away and chalked it up as an isolated incident. But, it wasn’t. Just this Sunday I was at Chipotle with my good friend Chris, when yet another female figure made me do a cartoon style double take. Once again, a girl with half her butt hanging out of the bottom of her shorts turned around to reveal a face that could not be on a license yet.

You might think I’m going to say that the “truth” is I’ve come to a day when high school girls are no longer “hot” to me. Well I’m not, I’m 22 so that day came a long time ago sicko. No, what I realized goes much deeper than that. I wasn’t just surprised or annoyed that these girls were too young for me; I was actually offended they were dressing this way. It wasn’t a conscious decision to make a judgment; I just caught myself thinking, “WHAT is she wearing?” But as soon as that thought faded, I just started laughing. Because I knew that four or five years ago I would have thought those girls were awesome. But today, I’m looking at them like an “old person”. The “secret truth” is that eventually, your point of view will shift.

Courtney Stodden is 16 and inappropriate on a national stage. Source.

This recent change in mentality doesn’t end with my opinion on risqué high school fashion choices. I went to see Cowboys & Aliens the weekend it was released, and as you know this movie didn’t break any attendance records. Even so, it was still a fairly packed house. The row behind me was filled with about a dozen 15 year old boys. How could I tell the age of some kids sitting behind me in a dark theater? Well I got to hear their voices a lot, because this group of young scholars had just discovered the f-word. This is a big day in a young man’s life, and they were making the most of it. Every trailer invoked not whispers, but loud declarations of both “that’s going to f-ing suck” and “shut the f-ck up, it’s gonna f-ing rock!” Then the opening shot of the movie was both “f-ing stupid” and “f-ing bad-ass”, depending on which of these rapscallions you polled. In a span of less than ten minutes, the entire theater was assaulted with f-bombs that numbered in the triple digits. I wasn’t just annoyed that they were talking during the movie; I was embarrassed by their language. I was embarrassed that my parents had to sit there and listen to it. I was embarrassed that there was nothing I could do to stop them. But most of all, I was embarrassed that these kids didn’t have the shame to be embarrassed for themselves; it was a poor representation of my gender. The only way I could have reacted like an older man would have been to yell at the kids to get off my lawn.

All I wanted to yell was a beautifully ironic, “Yippee-kay yay mother f-er!” as I re-enacted this classic scene from Die Hard on their adolescent asses. Source.

Of course, the last “secret truth of adulthood” for today centers on women. Until I hit about twelve, the biggest difference between my friends that were girls and friends that were boys was hair length. Then I went to middle school, and all of a sudden I started having trouble relating to the ladies. They were interested in different things, and over the summer had somehow developed the ability to communicate using only their eyes.

(I wanted to put a picture of this “eye talk” here, but all attempts to capture this super power on film have failed miserably.)

I was confused at first, but then I went home and saw that my parents somehow co-existed, and that my sister was spending all of her time with her boyfriend; so clearly these girls were just going through a phase. Fifty years of wacky sitcom hijinks should have prepared me for this one, but the “secret truth” is: there will never be a day that I completely understand women. They’re motivated by different chemicals and genitals, and I have to assume the confusion is mutual. Don’t get me wrong, I love women as they are; but I always assumed that one day I’d be able to get in their heads.

What are you thinking Scarlett Johansson? Source.

Some of you may have discovered these “truths” when you were in high school, and some of you may be calling bull shit on everything I’ve written today; still insisting that high school skanks will never go out of style. That’s the real “secret truth”, adulthood doesn’t come at the same time for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t come all at once.  

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week no article jumped into my head for this week, so here’s a webcomic instead.

Addicting game of the Week look I know I’ve put bloons up here before… but this is a bloons tower defense game, and it’s awesome.

Text from Last Night of the Week whatever he took, he took too much of it.

Song of the Week the first ever mash-up of the week.

Random Fact of the Week a beautiful metaphor for equality.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week you always thought you could build the Silver Monkey on your first try, 

now you have a chance to prove it.

If it ain't broke... well it is broke so nevermind.

The longer I’m writing this blog, the more apparent it will become that the majority of my thoughts focus on one of three topics: women, superheroes, and sports. Today, we’re talking about the latter. We are less than two weeks away from the start of college football season, and Geno Smith’s glorious march to an unexpected Heisman trophy.

I had flag football with this man last semester. Source.

As much as I love the sport, there are a few HUGE problems with the way it is played and governed. My biggest issue is with the bowl system and our lack of a playoff, but that rant will have to wait for another week. Today we’re staying topical, and discussing all the issues that have dominated the news the last few weeks. As a hater, this has been a fantastic off-season for me. I have despised Ohio State and Miami since before Jimmy Johnson started hocking extenze. Even though I’m thrilled that “The U” and “THE Ohio State University” (seriously, their alumni wouldn’t sound like bigger asses when they say that if they were farting elephants) are the two schools getting nailed in the headlines, I can’t help but worry about the underlying issues that lead to their demise.

In case you’ve been under the proverbial rock, let’s do a quick review. Ohio State lost it’s head coach, starting quarterback, and more, because a few players were trading autographs and memorabilia for cash and tattoos. More importantly, the head coach knew about it and didn’t tell anyone. Just this past week, we found out that one Miami booster has bought student athletes everything from prostitutes to abortions over the last decade. Since all of this information just came out, we don’t know what the punishment will be; but there is a definite possibility that Miami could be getting the “death penalty”. The “death penalty” is a slang term for the NCAA banning a sport for one season or more. Miami will only get the “death penalty” if it can be proven that the people in power knew what was happening, like at Ohio State. The bigger issue is that whether they were aware of it or not, the problem existed, and I think we’re foolish to pretend that it only existed at Miami.

Clearly, the home of all evil. Source.

Therefore, in the spirit of ESPN’s recent “Blueprint for Change”, I’m going to tell you my plan to try to shrink this problem, if not solve it. The way I see it, the problem stems from two main factors: the temptation is too great, and the rulebook is too thick. Let’s tackle temptation first, because I believe if we can make it so these kids aren’t taking extra money out of need, but are doing it out of greed, the issue will shrink considerably. There are two different numbers when you talk about student athletes going to college: their scholarship, and the cost of attendance. Their scholarship covers tuition, books, university fees, and room and board. Cost of attendance includes things like parking permits, course fees, library fines, and graduation fees; as well as normal extracurricular activities, like eating fast food, drinking, or going to a movie. The difference between a scholarship and true cost of attendance is anywhere between three and six thousand dollars, depending on where you go to school. While that might seem inconsequential when compared to tuition, remember that being on the football team is essentially a full time job. There’s no time for them to earn any extra cash; that makes it that much harder to say no when someone is offering them free money. So the first part of my plan is to give college football players the true cost of attendance for their scholarship.

Next, let’s talk about jerseys. If you go to Morgantown on a Saturday in the fall, you’ll see thousand’s students and alumni wearing a Mountaineers jersey with the number five on it. Many of them will buy a brand new number twelve jersey this year. Just like Pat White didn’t see a penny from the sale of those number fives, Geno Smith won’t get a taste from the number twelves. The coach’s argument against giving the players a cut of jersey sales is that it will splinter the team; but since quarterbacks and other “skill players” get more girls in high school and get paid more in the pros, I think the linemen are used to the class difference. It shouldn’t be a huge piece, but let’s stop pretending the athletes don’t deserve something for the sale of their jerseys.

Do you think I just liked the number 10?

Next up, let’s talk about the deal the NCAA has with EA sports, because it’s a JOKE. I couldn’t find any official numbers on what the NCAA gets from EA, but whatever it is, it’s not going into the player’s pockets. The fact that EA is getting away with claiming they aren’t using these kid’s likenesses boggles my mind. While it’s true that the game does not include pictures or names, all the in-game avatars have the same numbers, race, and athletic abilities as the real players. In the first two weeks NCAA Football ‘12 was on the shelves, EA made roughly $42,000,000 in sales. I don’t know how big a cut the players deserve from that, but it’s damn sure more than the 0% they’re raking in now.

So at this point in my plan we’ve given the players enough money that no one should NEED to take extra cash on the side. Now for part two, we need to fix the rule book. I’m not saying that any of the offending coaches or players didn’t know what they were doing was against the rules; there are people whose whole job is making sure everyone knows what the rules are. What I am saying is that some of those rules are stupid. We need to take all of the ambiguity out of possible punishments, and make it so that the risk of getting caught is not worth any cash reward. The way it works now, the NCAA decides suspensions and other penalties on a case by case basis. That’s how AJ Green can lose half a season for selling one game worn jersey, and Terrelle Pryor sells all this stuff and still ends up getting to play in the Sugar Bowl.

We’re very disappointed in you… clearly. Source.

In my plan there will still be the minor and major infractions from the current system, because there is a difference between getting a sandwich and getting a car. However, the seeming randomness of punishment will be a thing of the past. A minor infraction costs you one game, a major infraction you’re gone for the season, and three minors equal a major. Coaches and players will be under the same system, and coaches forfeit pay for games during which they are suspended.

The last piece of my puzzle requires the co-operation of the NFL. The other big scandal the NCAA dealt with last season was at UNC (another one of my least favorites, seriously the only way it could have been better was if Pitt were to get embarrassed… o wait) where several players were ruled ineligible after receiving gifts from an agent. In my plan, the NFL would bar any agent caught providing improper benefits to college kids from signing new clients for four years.

So that’s my plan to try to fix college football… or at least this particular issue facing the NCAA. I realize there are pros and cons to all of the things I’ve outlined; honestly I don’t even know if that part about the agents would be legal. Let me hear it in the comments! Would this plan work? Would it be better than what we have now? Worse? Do you have any ideas? Tell me how you really feel.

Machak’s Six Mix

Cracked Article of the Week Carly Simon squeezes more genius out of her biggest hit.

Addicting game of the Week when I was in elementary school we had a game called jezzball that was a lot like this game. Boom… more pointless facts from my life to float around your brain forever, enjoy.

Text from Last Night of the Week definition of “I’m my own worst enemy”.

Song of the Week no defining song from my life this week, so we’ll go with one of my old favorites.

Random Fact of the Week first one to bring me a blue lobster wins a prize.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week I warn you there is a crazy amount of vulgarity in this, but it’s outweighed by the hilariousness.

One man's trash...

Throughout the history of TV, there have been some fantastically bad shows. Secret Life of the American Teenager comes to mind as a current example. I’m ok with that; part of the creative process really is trial and error. Trying to come up with an idea that millions of people will agree is a good one has got to be difficult. What I can’t abide is that the aforementioned “Secret Life” is currently running it’s FOURTH SEASON! Don’t get me wrong its not the mere fact that clearly someone is enjoying that horrendous show that bothers me, its that history has quit on some amazing TV programs so much sooner than the four years this weekly seminar on overacting has somehow earned.

This week, I’m offering you something most people only dream of: a second chance. I’m going to tell you about the five best TV shows that statistics say you never watched. Once you’ve gotten my critical analysis, you can see a preview of each show by clicking on the captions under the pictures. Then you can log on to Netflix to enjoy the full product. If you’re too cheap for Netflix, a simple Google search will take you to one of the less reputable corners of the internet, there you can enjoy all of these lost treasures for free. Every one of the shows on this list got three seasons or less to prove their worth to the American public, I weep for the lost potential.

Arrested Development is the poster child for this column. Before Jason Bateman was opening a new movie every six weeks, he was starring in this cult classic comedy as Michael Bluth. After his real estate mogul father George Sr. gets arrested for fraud, Michael steps in to try to save the family business. Making this already difficult task nearly impossible, is the rest of Michael’s family. Michael’s borderline alcoholic mother, worse than worthless siblings, and incredibly awkward son all pull at his attention and sanity. Arrested Development has a cast that if you tried to recreate today, it would cost more than your whole production budget (one of the main sticking points keeping the movie from being made). Just to really let it sink in, let’s list the other cast members: Michael Cera (this was the show that introduced him to the world), Portia de Rossi (not just Ellen’s life partner, she’s been in a ton of stuff), Will Arnett, David Cross, Jeffrey Tambor, Jessica Walter (special mention because she’s Archer’s mom), and Ron Howard. On top of that all-star team, Arrested Development was famous for using big name stars for recurring roles; actors like Henry Winkler, Liza Minnelli, Amy Poehler, and oh yeah FREAKING CHARLIZE THERON!!! So just to really put this into context, Jersey Shore just started it’s fourth season… as in one more than the three seasons Arrested Development was on the air. Congratulations America.

Gob and his suits… COME ON! Picture source.

Reaper stars the nerdy boyfriend from Grounded for Life as Sam Oliver, a bounty hunter for the devil. If you’re trying to figure out how that casting decision was made, wait for the twist: he didn’t sell his soul, his parents did. In the first episode we watch as Sam discovers his fate when he meets Lucifer himself. Sam is understandably upset about this transaction, and fights with his new obligations at every turn. However, when his best friends prove their willingness to help him reign in the escaped souls of the damned, Sam starts to realize his talent for the job and even begins to embrace it. Character actor Ray Wise shines in his role as the Prince of Darkness, managing a perfect balance between pure evil and a devilish charm, (see what I did there) that made his Satan damn near likable. In 31 short episodes, we eventually meet amazing supporting characters such as a gay demon couple and a smoking hot demon assassin, who winds up dating one of Sam’s best friends. This show did so much, in such a short time, with a premise that started off as a cheap rip off of Ghost Rider. The real loss here was the end of Taylor Labine’s performance as Bert “Sock” Wysocki, a fat friend/unrelenting badass hybrid that the world may never see again.

In this promo you can see Sam has no sympathy for the devil. Picture source.

Sports Night fits into Aaron Sorkin’s illustrious imdb page between “A Few Good Men” and “The West Wing”. This late 90’s gem starred Felicity Huffman as Dana Whitaker, the producer of Sports Night, a fictional Sportscenter style show. While Huffman is likely the only name you’ll recognize on the cast list, the actors are all fantastic. Sorkin’s scripts balance the expected personal relationship plotlines, with real social commentary. Sports Night tackled real issues like race, steroids, and depression. What’s more impressive is that the show managed to take on these real topics without coming across as condescending or overly preachy. Just like in a real office the characters all had different opinions on whatever the issue of the week was; more importantly, those various viewpoints got an equal stage most of the time. Don’t think that Sports Night was all serious though; Sorkin’s signature quick fire dialogue is an amazing comedic tool for delivering the show’s blistering one liners. Unfortunately, the cancellation that Dana and the rest of the fictional Sports Night crew was always worried about came for the real show after only two seasons.

Here the anchors share my feelings on soccer exactly. Picture source.

Secret Girlfriend was by far the most creative show on this list, which probably explains why it got the shortest run of any of them. Shot from the first person perspective, Secret Girlfriend plunged the viewer into the lead role. This caused a necessity for creative dialogue, since you obviously didn’t record any lines for the show. The writing was a thing of art, they didn’t approach this endeavor with the “Blue’s clues” technique of leaving a pause for the audience to fill in the line at home, they crafted scenes where you didn’t need to talk. Despite the obvious limitations of a mute main character, the show never felt awkward; it was only hilarious. The main plot skips through brief scenes in your day to day routine as you and your “secret girlfriend” dodge your loopy ex. The other main characters are your two best friends who help you evade the crazy, all while planning their next shortcut to fame and fortune. Fading in and out of the plot is your hot neighbor, hovering on the fringe of your awareness; just as she would be in the back of your mind in real life. This show was funny, sexy, and incredibly original. I’m still harboring an irrational hope that some other show will fail on Comedy Central to give these guys another shot.

Of course it’s sophomoric… doesn’t mean it’s not hilarious. Picture source.

Firefly… I’m going to try very hard to keep myself from overselling this show, because the greatest crime I could commit on the internet would be to ruin this for anyone. That being said, it’s entirely possible that Firefly was the single greatest creative project in the history of the world. But don’t go into it with too high expectations, ok? Obviously I was exaggerating there, but I really do believe that Firefly was Joss Whedon’s Symphony #9. In the midst of his domination of the Fox lineup in the early 2000’s (think Buffy and Angel still running) Whedon gave the world a space western. Now I realize that space has been compared to the wild west in TV and film before, but never has the point been hammered home as hard, or as creatively, as it was in Firefly. There were shootouts, whores with hearts of gold, train heists, and even legitimate horseback riding, but it all happened IN SPACE!!! Firefly followed Captain Malcom Reynolds and his rag tag crew as they cruised the outer rim of the galaxy in the “Firefly” class starship Serenity. Nathan Fillion’s performance as Mal is reason alone to watch this show, he’s in the discussion for greatest Captain of all time. Yes, I know what I said… I’m talking about putting him in the company of Sparrow, Kirk, and Solo. This cast also included geek goddess Morena Baccarin, funny man Alan Tudyk, Adam Baldwin in his best role ever, and was the launching pad for Summer Glau’s career. This 14 episode masterpiece inspired such a rabid fan base, that Universal Pictures brought the story back to theaters for a full length feature three years after it’s original cancelation. Finally, while you will think it sucks the first five or six times you hear it, you will eventually come to realize that this theme song is the greatest theme song of any show in the history of ever.

Captain Malcom Reynolds being a “Grade A” badass, as per usual. Picture source.

Here’s four more shows that fit my criteria for this list, but since I’m already approaching 1,500 words I’ll spare you the analysis: Freaks and Geeks (I’m assuming here, I’ve actually never seen this one but I’ve heard good things), Dead Like Me, Veronica Mars, and God the Devil and Bob (weakest of the list for sure, but it was an interesting plot). Obviously all of these shows had their flaws, (except Firefly) but you can say that about any new show (except Firefly). My point is this, which would you rather see: three different CSI’s, two different NCIS’s, and reboots of Bewitched and the Munsters; or some of these original ideas getting five years to reach their potential?

IT WAS A SPACE WESTERN….. COME ON!

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week I usually try to put older articles up here, but I needed to make sure you didn’t miss this one.

Addicting game of the Week totally forgot about this awesome game, thanks to Chris Mussig for reminding me.

Text from Last Night of the Week I admire the ingenuity, but I don’t think that’ll fly in court.

Song of the Week I saw them live for the first time ever this week.

Random Fact of the Week finally… we know the reason for all the poop.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week Yvonne Strahovski is gorgeous and she’s funny? And she’s funny???

World's Greatest

What sport do the world’s most impressive athletes play? That’s a question that I have a lot of trouble answering. So let’s try to figure this out together. I’ll present the argument for every major sport, then play my own devil’s advocate. At the end you guys can comment and tell me what you think. Sound good? Alright, first let’s list the mainstream sports that will be eligible for this discussion: Baseball, Basketball, Football, Futbol, Lacrosse, Hockey, Tennis, and NASCAR. Some of you may have noticed I’ve left golf off this list, that’s because golf isn’t a sport. To quote Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, “It’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it.” Of course he was talking about hardcore pornography, and I’m talking about sports, but I think it still applies.

This man knows his porn. Source

First up is the national pastime. It’s universally accepted that the most difficult skill to develop in all of sports is learning to hit a round ball with a round bat. To play baseball you need exceptional reflexes, strength, hand-eye coordination, and speed; as well as the endurance to play a 162 game season. And for those who say baseball is not a contact sport, please watch this video. That’s Randy Johnson destroying a bird with a fastball. In case you forgot, a pitch is how every play starts in baseball, and about 150 of them are thrown every game. It takes some courage to step into the batter’s box knowing there’s a chance you could be the bird this time. So what’s the argument against the five-tool players of the MLB? The best pitcher in the game looks like a bear.

He stopped eating Cap’n Crunch and lost 25lbs. Source

Basketball demands the leg strength to run and jump on both sides of the court, and the arm strength to dribble, battle for position, and put up hundreds of shots over the duration of a season. These athletes are strong, extremely well conditioned, and mostly genetic freaks. Seriously, the average height for a man in the US is about 5’10”, but the average height of an NBA player is around 6’7”. That’s kind of my argument against basketball players. Jordan is accepted as the greatest player of all time, but when people use the phrase “most dominant of his era” it’s always in reference to whoever was physically the biggest player in a given decade. Russel, Wilt, Kareem, Shaq, Yao, and now Howard were considered either unstoppable offensive players, or one man walls on defense. As the saying goes, “You can’t teach tall”; it’s just less impressive if what makes you the best player on the court is the simple act of being enormous. My other beef with basketball is that too many games are decided on plays without defense. You can talk about the pressure of making a clutch foul shot all you want, but the bottom line is it’s an open shot where the only people allowed to try to make you miss are the spectators.

Shaq’s career FG% .582, Shaq’s career FT% .527… math. Source

Football is the most popular, and therefore profitable, sport in the USA. A major reason for this is that the competitors are the biggest, fastest, and strongest athletes the world has to offer. The mental strength required to memorize a one thousand page playbook and then execute your assignment on game day is staggering. On paper, football is the obvious answer to my question. So why isn’t it? Too much specialization in today’s game. The offensive linemen play the most downs of anyone on the team, but at best they’re on the field for 50% of the snaps. I’m sorry, but if you only have to play half the game, you can’t be the most impressive athlete in all of sports.   

Also, I may have overstated the mental strength… He shot himself. Source

Futbol, (or Soccer to people who know better) is the most popular sport in the world. The athletes need to have speed, endurance, and foot-eye coordination; a skill fairly unique to this sport. The most impressive of those traits in my opinion is endurance. A soccer pitch is the biggest playing field of any of the sports I am discussing in this column, and teams can only use three substitutions per game. Running back and forth across the giant expanse of grass for god knows how long, (yeah… that’s a shot at stoppage time) takes mental and physical strength. The only problem is that soccer ignores the upper body entirely. “But what about headers?” you may ask… “Shut up!” I may answer. If you can play your sport without having arms, you aren’t the most impressive athlete.

Another problem, I have no idea if this man has actually been wronged. Source

Lacrosse translates to “Little Brother of War”, so ten points right off the bat. These warriors require a combination of speed, strength, agility, hand-eye coordination, and endurance. The world record for fastest shot stands at 112 mph, one of the many reasons lacrosse can claim the title of “the fastest sport on two legs”; which sounds damn near a superhero slogan. The only problem I have with lacrosse is the same one I have with football. The specialization of modern lacrosse players, along with relatively short shift lengths for middies, hurts lacrosse in the endurance conversation.

Nothing funny about this picture, I just look badass

Hockey is what happened when lacrosse got too cold. That’s my whole argument for hockey; all the skills needed for lacrosse, but on ICE! Hockey rinks are a much smaller playing area, so only six players are on the ice at a time. This leads to less specialization among players; forwards and defensemen really play both offense and defense. However, the average shift length is about 45 seconds long, and even first line players will only play about a third of the game. Also, their goalie’s pads are ridiculously huge and their goal is tiny.

See how easy it is to be a hockey goalie. Source

Tennis players certainly pass the eye test. Their sport requires both upper and lower body strength, and excellent coordination. They’re playing offense and defense at the same time, and need the mental dexterity to make lightning quick strategic decisions. Not to mention that the greatest players need to be able to compete on three different surfaces. And let’s not even talk about endurance, if there is a tie these athletes will play for days, literally. So what are my arguments against them? The modern game is played in very short bursts, mostly because of the focus on service aces. The tennis racket is by far the biggest implement we use to bludgeon balls for entertainment. There’s also a lot more dead time than in other sports on this list; time spent sitting or standing around between points, games, and sets. On top of all that, the playing area is relatively small. Honestly, at this point I’m splitting hairs because I really don’t want the answer to be tennis players.

Mostly because there’s waaaaaay too much crying when they win. Source

NASCAR… I have a lot of trouble with calling this a sport, but with such an expansive and rabid fan base, I don’t think I have a choice. The G-forces these guys go through during a race rival a launch of the space shuttle. But what’s really impressive is the mental strength to drive a car at 200mph, six inches away from many other cars, for three hours straight, while talking to someone whole time. However, none of that seems to matter when compared to my main problem with this sport:

(You can’t tell me which of these men is better at NASCAR-ing. Source. Source.)

So that’s my analysis, here is where you guys come in. Let me know what you think! Who did I undersell, who did I overrate? I’ll leave it open for a week for you all to comment, and before next week’s post I’ll reveal my opinion.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week number one will blow your mind.

Addicting game of the Week if any of you have not played this yet I will be shocked, but it’s tons of fun so whatever.

Text from Last Night of the Week sticking with the sports theme.

Song of the Week how good a song would this be for a batter’s theme music? I mean, come on the title alone is perfect right?

Random Fact of the Week my DC readers should know this, but it’s still awesome.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week stupid stuff sports stars have said. Yes, Yogi gets his own section.