One man's trash...

Throughout the history of TV, there have been some fantastically bad shows. Secret Life of the American Teenager comes to mind as a current example. I’m ok with that; part of the creative process really is trial and error. Trying to come up with an idea that millions of people will agree is a good one has got to be difficult. What I can’t abide is that the aforementioned “Secret Life” is currently running it’s FOURTH SEASON! Don’t get me wrong its not the mere fact that clearly someone is enjoying that horrendous show that bothers me, its that history has quit on some amazing TV programs so much sooner than the four years this weekly seminar on overacting has somehow earned.

This week, I’m offering you something most people only dream of: a second chance. I’m going to tell you about the five best TV shows that statistics say you never watched. Once you’ve gotten my critical analysis, you can see a preview of each show by clicking on the captions under the pictures. Then you can log on to Netflix to enjoy the full product. If you’re too cheap for Netflix, a simple Google search will take you to one of the less reputable corners of the internet, there you can enjoy all of these lost treasures for free. Every one of the shows on this list got three seasons or less to prove their worth to the American public, I weep for the lost potential.

Arrested Development is the poster child for this column. Before Jason Bateman was opening a new movie every six weeks, he was starring in this cult classic comedy as Michael Bluth. After his real estate mogul father George Sr. gets arrested for fraud, Michael steps in to try to save the family business. Making this already difficult task nearly impossible, is the rest of Michael’s family. Michael’s borderline alcoholic mother, worse than worthless siblings, and incredibly awkward son all pull at his attention and sanity. Arrested Development has a cast that if you tried to recreate today, it would cost more than your whole production budget (one of the main sticking points keeping the movie from being made). Just to really let it sink in, let’s list the other cast members: Michael Cera (this was the show that introduced him to the world), Portia de Rossi (not just Ellen’s life partner, she’s been in a ton of stuff), Will Arnett, David Cross, Jeffrey Tambor, Jessica Walter (special mention because she’s Archer’s mom), and Ron Howard. On top of that all-star team, Arrested Development was famous for using big name stars for recurring roles; actors like Henry Winkler, Liza Minnelli, Amy Poehler, and oh yeah FREAKING CHARLIZE THERON!!! So just to really put this into context, Jersey Shore just started it’s fourth season… as in one more than the three seasons Arrested Development was on the air. Congratulations America.

Gob and his suits… COME ON! Picture source.

Reaper stars the nerdy boyfriend from Grounded for Life as Sam Oliver, a bounty hunter for the devil. If you’re trying to figure out how that casting decision was made, wait for the twist: he didn’t sell his soul, his parents did. In the first episode we watch as Sam discovers his fate when he meets Lucifer himself. Sam is understandably upset about this transaction, and fights with his new obligations at every turn. However, when his best friends prove their willingness to help him reign in the escaped souls of the damned, Sam starts to realize his talent for the job and even begins to embrace it. Character actor Ray Wise shines in his role as the Prince of Darkness, managing a perfect balance between pure evil and a devilish charm, (see what I did there) that made his Satan damn near likable. In 31 short episodes, we eventually meet amazing supporting characters such as a gay demon couple and a smoking hot demon assassin, who winds up dating one of Sam’s best friends. This show did so much, in such a short time, with a premise that started off as a cheap rip off of Ghost Rider. The real loss here was the end of Taylor Labine’s performance as Bert “Sock” Wysocki, a fat friend/unrelenting badass hybrid that the world may never see again.

In this promo you can see Sam has no sympathy for the devil. Picture source.

Sports Night fits into Aaron Sorkin’s illustrious imdb page between “A Few Good Men” and “The West Wing”. This late 90’s gem starred Felicity Huffman as Dana Whitaker, the producer of Sports Night, a fictional Sportscenter style show. While Huffman is likely the only name you’ll recognize on the cast list, the actors are all fantastic. Sorkin’s scripts balance the expected personal relationship plotlines, with real social commentary. Sports Night tackled real issues like race, steroids, and depression. What’s more impressive is that the show managed to take on these real topics without coming across as condescending or overly preachy. Just like in a real office the characters all had different opinions on whatever the issue of the week was; more importantly, those various viewpoints got an equal stage most of the time. Don’t think that Sports Night was all serious though; Sorkin’s signature quick fire dialogue is an amazing comedic tool for delivering the show’s blistering one liners. Unfortunately, the cancellation that Dana and the rest of the fictional Sports Night crew was always worried about came for the real show after only two seasons.

Here the anchors share my feelings on soccer exactly. Picture source.

Secret Girlfriend was by far the most creative show on this list, which probably explains why it got the shortest run of any of them. Shot from the first person perspective, Secret Girlfriend plunged the viewer into the lead role. This caused a necessity for creative dialogue, since you obviously didn’t record any lines for the show. The writing was a thing of art, they didn’t approach this endeavor with the “Blue’s clues” technique of leaving a pause for the audience to fill in the line at home, they crafted scenes where you didn’t need to talk. Despite the obvious limitations of a mute main character, the show never felt awkward; it was only hilarious. The main plot skips through brief scenes in your day to day routine as you and your “secret girlfriend” dodge your loopy ex. The other main characters are your two best friends who help you evade the crazy, all while planning their next shortcut to fame and fortune. Fading in and out of the plot is your hot neighbor, hovering on the fringe of your awareness; just as she would be in the back of your mind in real life. This show was funny, sexy, and incredibly original. I’m still harboring an irrational hope that some other show will fail on Comedy Central to give these guys another shot.

Of course it’s sophomoric… doesn’t mean it’s not hilarious. Picture source.

Firefly… I’m going to try very hard to keep myself from overselling this show, because the greatest crime I could commit on the internet would be to ruin this for anyone. That being said, it’s entirely possible that Firefly was the single greatest creative project in the history of the world. But don’t go into it with too high expectations, ok? Obviously I was exaggerating there, but I really do believe that Firefly was Joss Whedon’s Symphony #9. In the midst of his domination of the Fox lineup in the early 2000’s (think Buffy and Angel still running) Whedon gave the world a space western. Now I realize that space has been compared to the wild west in TV and film before, but never has the point been hammered home as hard, or as creatively, as it was in Firefly. There were shootouts, whores with hearts of gold, train heists, and even legitimate horseback riding, but it all happened IN SPACE!!! Firefly followed Captain Malcom Reynolds and his rag tag crew as they cruised the outer rim of the galaxy in the “Firefly” class starship Serenity. Nathan Fillion’s performance as Mal is reason alone to watch this show, he’s in the discussion for greatest Captain of all time. Yes, I know what I said… I’m talking about putting him in the company of Sparrow, Kirk, and Solo. This cast also included geek goddess Morena Baccarin, funny man Alan Tudyk, Adam Baldwin in his best role ever, and was the launching pad for Summer Glau’s career. This 14 episode masterpiece inspired such a rabid fan base, that Universal Pictures brought the story back to theaters for a full length feature three years after it’s original cancelation. Finally, while you will think it sucks the first five or six times you hear it, you will eventually come to realize that this theme song is the greatest theme song of any show in the history of ever.

Captain Malcom Reynolds being a “Grade A” badass, as per usual. Picture source.

Here’s four more shows that fit my criteria for this list, but since I’m already approaching 1,500 words I’ll spare you the analysis: Freaks and Geeks (I’m assuming here, I’ve actually never seen this one but I’ve heard good things), Dead Like Me, Veronica Mars, and God the Devil and Bob (weakest of the list for sure, but it was an interesting plot). Obviously all of these shows had their flaws, (except Firefly) but you can say that about any new show (except Firefly). My point is this, which would you rather see: three different CSI’s, two different NCIS’s, and reboots of Bewitched and the Munsters; or some of these original ideas getting five years to reach their potential?

IT WAS A SPACE WESTERN….. COME ON!

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week I usually try to put older articles up here, but I needed to make sure you didn’t miss this one.

Addicting game of the Week totally forgot about this awesome game, thanks to Chris Mussig for reminding me.

Text from Last Night of the Week I admire the ingenuity, but I don’t think that’ll fly in court.

Song of the Week I saw them live for the first time ever this week.

Random Fact of the Week finally… we know the reason for all the poop.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week Yvonne Strahovski is gorgeous and she’s funny? And she’s funny???