Secret Truths of Adulthood

While I was growing up, I realized at some point that we cross secret checkpoints for maturity. Like when I started high school, I was really starting to become an adult. When I started college, my parents started treating me like an adult. Finally, when I was getting close to graduating from college, I actually felt like an adult. No, there wasn’t one triumphant moment when I stood up in class and said, “From henceforth let it be known that I am a Man!” What I’m saying is I started to realize that people I looked at as “adults” were treating me more like an equal. Also, kids in high school started calling me sir.

There are a lot of cool things about being an adult. For instance, you can have candy for breakfast and no one can say shit. On the flipside, people stop complimenting you for doing things correctly, you’re just expected to be successful. All in all, I think it’s a pretty fair trade. But while I’ve been busy getting used to all the new freedoms and responsibilities I’ve gained since graduation; I’ve noticed a few other “secret truths of adulthood” which have really surprised me.

The first “secret truth of adulthood” I’ve come across is that jerks usually don’t grow out of being jerks. When I was little, adults were always very careful to be polite to each other in front of me. People that I’d later find out hated each other had seemed like the best of friends. My parents were incredibly gifted at this. Because of their acting skills, I thought all adults were basically good people, you know unless they were criminals.

Either I was lucky to have adults in my life that wanted me to believe in the best in people, or video games really do affect our perception of the real world.

But the truth is, the jerks you knew in high school are most likely the douchebags you knew in college; and the diploma doesn’t come with a new personality. The same kid that wouldn’t help with the group project is now the guy who plays with his iPhone all day at work.  And honestly, why are we always surprised when a professional athlete turns out to be a sucky person? Those guys are just the entitled jocks you hated in high school, but bigger and even more fervently enabled. In retrospect, this first truth really shouldn’t have been a surprise, but a disappointment.

Probably not Mr. Congeniality. Source.

In contrast, this next “secret truth” was a HUGE surprise to me. Last week I was picking some stuff up at Target, and when I was on my way out of the store someone caught my eye. I only got a glimpse of her, and I hadn’t seen her face, but I was about seventy percent sure a porn star had just walked past me. This girl was wearing jean shorts that were riding so high you could almost call them a thong, and her plain white t-shirt had a V so deep you could almost see her belly button. Now I’m not usually a go getter when it comes to women, but I needed to see if I had just crossed paths with an “actress”. Well, I didn’t. As I stood rooted to the spot, gawking with my tongue out, the girl turned around. I literally gagged as I realized this ridiculously hot, and skankily dressed, “woman” could not have been sixteen.  After recovering from the initial shock, I walked away and chalked it up as an isolated incident. But, it wasn’t. Just this Sunday I was at Chipotle with my good friend Chris, when yet another female figure made me do a cartoon style double take. Once again, a girl with half her butt hanging out of the bottom of her shorts turned around to reveal a face that could not be on a license yet.

You might think I’m going to say that the “truth” is I’ve come to a day when high school girls are no longer “hot” to me. Well I’m not, I’m 22 so that day came a long time ago sicko. No, what I realized goes much deeper than that. I wasn’t just surprised or annoyed that these girls were too young for me; I was actually offended they were dressing this way. It wasn’t a conscious decision to make a judgment; I just caught myself thinking, “WHAT is she wearing?” But as soon as that thought faded, I just started laughing. Because I knew that four or five years ago I would have thought those girls were awesome. But today, I’m looking at them like an “old person”. The “secret truth” is that eventually, your point of view will shift.

Courtney Stodden is 16 and inappropriate on a national stage. Source.

This recent change in mentality doesn’t end with my opinion on risqué high school fashion choices. I went to see Cowboys & Aliens the weekend it was released, and as you know this movie didn’t break any attendance records. Even so, it was still a fairly packed house. The row behind me was filled with about a dozen 15 year old boys. How could I tell the age of some kids sitting behind me in a dark theater? Well I got to hear their voices a lot, because this group of young scholars had just discovered the f-word. This is a big day in a young man’s life, and they were making the most of it. Every trailer invoked not whispers, but loud declarations of both “that’s going to f-ing suck” and “shut the f-ck up, it’s gonna f-ing rock!” Then the opening shot of the movie was both “f-ing stupid” and “f-ing bad-ass”, depending on which of these rapscallions you polled. In a span of less than ten minutes, the entire theater was assaulted with f-bombs that numbered in the triple digits. I wasn’t just annoyed that they were talking during the movie; I was embarrassed by their language. I was embarrassed that my parents had to sit there and listen to it. I was embarrassed that there was nothing I could do to stop them. But most of all, I was embarrassed that these kids didn’t have the shame to be embarrassed for themselves; it was a poor representation of my gender. The only way I could have reacted like an older man would have been to yell at the kids to get off my lawn.

All I wanted to yell was a beautifully ironic, “Yippee-kay yay mother f-er!” as I re-enacted this classic scene from Die Hard on their adolescent asses. Source.

Of course, the last “secret truth of adulthood” for today centers on women. Until I hit about twelve, the biggest difference between my friends that were girls and friends that were boys was hair length. Then I went to middle school, and all of a sudden I started having trouble relating to the ladies. They were interested in different things, and over the summer had somehow developed the ability to communicate using only their eyes.

(I wanted to put a picture of this “eye talk” here, but all attempts to capture this super power on film have failed miserably.)

I was confused at first, but then I went home and saw that my parents somehow co-existed, and that my sister was spending all of her time with her boyfriend; so clearly these girls were just going through a phase. Fifty years of wacky sitcom hijinks should have prepared me for this one, but the “secret truth” is: there will never be a day that I completely understand women. They’re motivated by different chemicals and genitals, and I have to assume the confusion is mutual. Don’t get me wrong, I love women as they are; but I always assumed that one day I’d be able to get in their heads.

What are you thinking Scarlett Johansson? Source.

Some of you may have discovered these “truths” when you were in high school, and some of you may be calling bull shit on everything I’ve written today; still insisting that high school skanks will never go out of style. That’s the real “secret truth”, adulthood doesn’t come at the same time for everyone, and it certainly doesn’t come all at once.  

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week no article jumped into my head for this week, so here’s a webcomic instead.

Addicting game of the Week look I know I’ve put bloons up here before… but this is a bloons tower defense game, and it’s awesome.

Text from Last Night of the Week whatever he took, he took too much of it.

Song of the Week the first ever mash-up of the week.

Random Fact of the Week a beautiful metaphor for equality.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week you always thought you could build the Silver Monkey on your first try, 

now you have a chance to prove it.