World's Greatest

What sport do the world’s most impressive athletes play? That’s a question that I have a lot of trouble answering. So let’s try to figure this out together. I’ll present the argument for every major sport, then play my own devil’s advocate. At the end you guys can comment and tell me what you think. Sound good? Alright, first let’s list the mainstream sports that will be eligible for this discussion: Baseball, Basketball, Football, Futbol, Lacrosse, Hockey, Tennis, and NASCAR. Some of you may have noticed I’ve left golf off this list, that’s because golf isn’t a sport. To quote Supreme Court Justice Potter Stewart, “It’s hard to define, but I know it when I see it.” Of course he was talking about hardcore pornography, and I’m talking about sports, but I think it still applies.

This man knows his porn. Source

First up is the national pastime. It’s universally accepted that the most difficult skill to develop in all of sports is learning to hit a round ball with a round bat. To play baseball you need exceptional reflexes, strength, hand-eye coordination, and speed; as well as the endurance to play a 162 game season. And for those who say baseball is not a contact sport, please watch this video. That’s Randy Johnson destroying a bird with a fastball. In case you forgot, a pitch is how every play starts in baseball, and about 150 of them are thrown every game. It takes some courage to step into the batter’s box knowing there’s a chance you could be the bird this time. So what’s the argument against the five-tool players of the MLB? The best pitcher in the game looks like a bear.

He stopped eating Cap’n Crunch and lost 25lbs. Source

Basketball demands the leg strength to run and jump on both sides of the court, and the arm strength to dribble, battle for position, and put up hundreds of shots over the duration of a season. These athletes are strong, extremely well conditioned, and mostly genetic freaks. Seriously, the average height for a man in the US is about 5’10”, but the average height of an NBA player is around 6’7”. That’s kind of my argument against basketball players. Jordan is accepted as the greatest player of all time, but when people use the phrase “most dominant of his era” it’s always in reference to whoever was physically the biggest player in a given decade. Russel, Wilt, Kareem, Shaq, Yao, and now Howard were considered either unstoppable offensive players, or one man walls on defense. As the saying goes, “You can’t teach tall”; it’s just less impressive if what makes you the best player on the court is the simple act of being enormous. My other beef with basketball is that too many games are decided on plays without defense. You can talk about the pressure of making a clutch foul shot all you want, but the bottom line is it’s an open shot where the only people allowed to try to make you miss are the spectators.

Shaq’s career FG% .582, Shaq’s career FT% .527… math. Source

Football is the most popular, and therefore profitable, sport in the USA. A major reason for this is that the competitors are the biggest, fastest, and strongest athletes the world has to offer. The mental strength required to memorize a one thousand page playbook and then execute your assignment on game day is staggering. On paper, football is the obvious answer to my question. So why isn’t it? Too much specialization in today’s game. The offensive linemen play the most downs of anyone on the team, but at best they’re on the field for 50% of the snaps. I’m sorry, but if you only have to play half the game, you can’t be the most impressive athlete in all of sports.   

Also, I may have overstated the mental strength… He shot himself. Source

Futbol, (or Soccer to people who know better) is the most popular sport in the world. The athletes need to have speed, endurance, and foot-eye coordination; a skill fairly unique to this sport. The most impressive of those traits in my opinion is endurance. A soccer pitch is the biggest playing field of any of the sports I am discussing in this column, and teams can only use three substitutions per game. Running back and forth across the giant expanse of grass for god knows how long, (yeah… that’s a shot at stoppage time) takes mental and physical strength. The only problem is that soccer ignores the upper body entirely. “But what about headers?” you may ask… “Shut up!” I may answer. If you can play your sport without having arms, you aren’t the most impressive athlete.

Another problem, I have no idea if this man has actually been wronged. Source

Lacrosse translates to “Little Brother of War”, so ten points right off the bat. These warriors require a combination of speed, strength, agility, hand-eye coordination, and endurance. The world record for fastest shot stands at 112 mph, one of the many reasons lacrosse can claim the title of “the fastest sport on two legs”; which sounds damn near a superhero slogan. The only problem I have with lacrosse is the same one I have with football. The specialization of modern lacrosse players, along with relatively short shift lengths for middies, hurts lacrosse in the endurance conversation.

Nothing funny about this picture, I just look badass

Hockey is what happened when lacrosse got too cold. That’s my whole argument for hockey; all the skills needed for lacrosse, but on ICE! Hockey rinks are a much smaller playing area, so only six players are on the ice at a time. This leads to less specialization among players; forwards and defensemen really play both offense and defense. However, the average shift length is about 45 seconds long, and even first line players will only play about a third of the game. Also, their goalie’s pads are ridiculously huge and their goal is tiny.

See how easy it is to be a hockey goalie. Source

Tennis players certainly pass the eye test. Their sport requires both upper and lower body strength, and excellent coordination. They’re playing offense and defense at the same time, and need the mental dexterity to make lightning quick strategic decisions. Not to mention that the greatest players need to be able to compete on three different surfaces. And let’s not even talk about endurance, if there is a tie these athletes will play for days, literally. So what are my arguments against them? The modern game is played in very short bursts, mostly because of the focus on service aces. The tennis racket is by far the biggest implement we use to bludgeon balls for entertainment. There’s also a lot more dead time than in other sports on this list; time spent sitting or standing around between points, games, and sets. On top of all that, the playing area is relatively small. Honestly, at this point I’m splitting hairs because I really don’t want the answer to be tennis players.

Mostly because there’s waaaaaay too much crying when they win. Source

NASCAR… I have a lot of trouble with calling this a sport, but with such an expansive and rabid fan base, I don’t think I have a choice. The G-forces these guys go through during a race rival a launch of the space shuttle. But what’s really impressive is the mental strength to drive a car at 200mph, six inches away from many other cars, for three hours straight, while talking to someone whole time. However, none of that seems to matter when compared to my main problem with this sport:

(You can’t tell me which of these men is better at NASCAR-ing. Source. Source.)

So that’s my analysis, here is where you guys come in. Let me know what you think! Who did I undersell, who did I overrate? I’ll leave it open for a week for you all to comment, and before next week’s post I’ll reveal my opinion.

Machak’s Six Mix:

Cracked Article of the Week number one will blow your mind.

Addicting game of the Week if any of you have not played this yet I will be shocked, but it’s tons of fun so whatever.

Text from Last Night of the Week sticking with the sports theme.

Song of the Week how good a song would this be for a batter’s theme music? I mean, come on the title alone is perfect right?

Random Fact of the Week my DC readers should know this, but it’s still awesome.

Surprise Awesomeness of the Week stupid stuff sports stars have said. Yes, Yogi gets his own section.